Journey of Self-Confrontation

Saw the pictures in my iPad and iPhone... I guess I should have utilize them and do a quick self-confrontation for the recent significant incidents.. Somehow, sometimes pictures speak more than words... Therefore, I decided to upload few pictures that sufficient to describe the stories...

The journey starts:-

I have used to message you early in the morning everyday... Although I know sometimes may not get any replies from you, but somehow, you will still reply later in the day to invite for the dinner after working hours.. Hence, though didn't receive any replies from you in the morning, but I am still anticipated for the next reply in the late evening or noon...

However, things changed since 28th March 2013, I never received any replies from you anymore.. And I know, something is happening, I could sense it from the sudden detachment from you... Wondering what's wrong actually...

I know that both of us are busy in our own career, but is it possible that you being such close to me when you are by my side.. The tender touch, the warmest hugs basically speaks everything.. But why can't I get these from you? And now, you are so "stranger" to me... It's scary on this sudden change...

One day, I saw this quote from Facebook, and I saved this picture immediately. Somehow, the first thought that crossed my mind was: "Should I let you go and myself, too? Since you are not giving any answers or responses and seems not listening to any of my explanation and being ignorant to all my emotions and feelings, should I still reserve a place in my heart for you?" I am wondering.. The back-and-fore of the thoughts killing me gently each day..

Know what darling, I am just a woman, but I have to be strong.. Have you ever see the tears in my eyes and the bleeding heart that you were once cared and loved? Have you ever imagine how fragile I would be.. I am just standing alone at the place where you left me out of the sudden, and you just walked away determinedly and reluctant to look at me again, not even the messages and feelings I shared through WhatsApp and notes... You are just as cruel as cold-blooded serial killer....

        

You knew that I never complaint that you do not have time for me or you are not caring or considerate enough.. In fact, I knew that both of us are trying our best to catch up for dinner and movie whenever we have time.. Doing things together and spend the time together... I knew your job nature, it's always on 24/7, it's always a fire fighting job, therefore, I never meant to occupy your time fully but gave you sufficient   freedom and space to busy on your task, although how much I wish you tell me that: "My dear, it's ok, you are more important, I keep you accompany first".. Well, this never happened though, but it doesn't creates any disappointment too for I truly understood your characteristics and your passion in works.. But why, this became the reason of yours for the detachment? I seriously don't understand on this...

This was the first picture you took for me in Japan... Undeniable, you are a capable man, but your egoness and self-centered thoughts sometimes really screwed me up, but somehow, I am still ok with these... You left me alone to carry the luggage by myself... You never take initiative to hold my hand... You never take initiative to hug me... You never take initiative to kiss me... I am ok with all these and I took the initiative to do all these... No complaints... But I wish you could sense the souls within myself... Well, no point to think of this anymore, you are just don't give a damn anymore..

Darling, It's been a month you didn't contacted with me, I receive no replies from you on the messages I sent to you and the diary of mine.. Hmm... You did replied, a short one: "Sorry for hurt you, we are still friend.." That's it??? Nothing much? The already-broken-torn-apart-fragile-heart being torn apart again... Ya, with no possibilities to heal... By the same person again and again... Throughout the month, I kept reviewed again and again on the conversation we used to have in WhatsApp.. How lovely you were.. But now, you become a stranger I not so familiar with.. You are distanced yourself from me and trying to cut off everything from me..

This was the last picture that I took at your place.. I still remembered the question you asked and the changes on your face immediately right after my replied... Ya, I should have knew this was the key-trigger point that caused up all these unwanted issues.. But, you chose to leave no rooms for me to explain and you just reluctant to listen nor accept the explanation but replied: "This is my lazy straw, sorry!" And you sent me home immediately.... And, decided to cut off everything and burnt the bridge that was once reconnected both souls..

Went to Bali with my secondary school mates, it was indeed an enjoyable trip... But somehow, your name and those past memories vividly reoccurred in my mind again and again  especially before bed time... It was really killed me.. Gosh! I covered all my emotions perfectly in the trip itself, until the pains from my wisdom tooth rescued me from release my long-struggled-dreadful-unpleasant-emotions together with the tears.. Ya, the tears of pain deceived my fellow friends who thought I cried crazily purely due to the painfulness from my wisdom tooth... I am so sorry on this... But I seriously need to release my emotions, else, it is damn unhealthy to myself...

It's been almost a month time, I should be wake up from any expectation or hopes, as these would not happen anymore... I knew the truth, I knew the facts,I knew what's going on in the company and what's going on with you and her... Somehow, I need times to accept what had my mind informed me and what it had accepted... Yup, I am struggling between my overwhelmed emotions and the god-damn-rational-thoughts... Please, I just wanted to escape from the truth.. Please don't pull me away from the memories.. Although I know I shouldn't...

I have 2 offers on hand, I would like to discuss with you and seek for your advises  too. Besides, I was very much bothered by the gossips and rumors in the company, too.. I am in need of someone to talk to.. Somehow, you just don't bother and simply threw me few sentences as advises . Never mind, a week later, I have made up my mind.. I have decided the one that most suits me for the next 5 years and decided to tender and ignore all the untruthfulness in the company.. 

Whenever I checked the latest news feed in Facebook, I would see quotes like this.. A very reminding quota and positive quotes that encouraged people to forgo the past and moves on the rest of the time... It's indeed motivating, initially... But, my Scorpio's characteristics seriously can't ignore what was happened, I am waiting for the answer... I need the major reason why caused the broke up... Ya, I am stubborn...

The mood swing, the roller-coaster-kind-of-feelings, constantly happened in April... I could be awake and decided to let go in the morning, but tend to find out why in the next minutes... Seriously killing me... I am just insane.. Therefore, every time I m encountered this kind of mood swing episodes, I will switch on my phone and record the feelings, a diary of mine for the April 2013... From love to hate... And from hate to miss... And from miss to loss... And from loss to miss... And again from miss to love... These kind of feelings... Never leave me... I m struggling and trying my best to find the adequacy and balance point... I am trying my best to strengthen my rational than the evil emotions traps... Trying... I am seriously trying....

Today (30th April 2013)... A date that I would never forget... Emotional crushed! I never expect that I would meet with you again, and under this occasional.. Crap!!! I am weighting my emotions and professionalism... It's indeed torturing.. I have to remain calm and host the meeting as if nothing else happens, react as natural as I could, being as friendly as I could and trying to collect more information from the managers and get my mission accomplished... But on the other hand, the fragile and broken heart bleed again silently... The trembles in my voices and the tenses, the blushes on my face, all the non verbal languages, did you notice them? No!

It's indeed a long long day for me... After the meeting, waiting for candidate and HR to have lunch together.. To help them get to know each other even more and intended to get them closer so that easily for the juniors to get things completed in the future when I am no longer in the office but they still manage to handle the account effectively. Please don;t think about him...

It's half past 7pm on 30/4, no one in the office, as usual, I am the latest to leave company again, although my resignation was finally accepted... Oh crap!! Last day of April, is it the time for me to cry even more? I have forgotten how many pails of tears I have filled so far... Countless? May be... The trigger was from the reply of yours... Short and simple, emotionless and cool... Great! Cried again! Some of my friends gave me emotional supports through words.. Yes Gor, I had promised myself this would be the last time I cry for someone that no longer love me.. Once the end of 30/4, mui mui Me, will not cry anymore.. Yet, David, you are the only one dropped by office and be there for me... Seriously thank you.. Perhaps both of us also Scorpio, so you understood what I needed and you were just be there silently and offered your shoulder to me... Bro, thanks a lot... 

Cried for 3 hours, should have headed to Cheras for gathering with my primary school mates... David, thanks again for being my driver, although you were terribly tiring that night after the never-ending fire fighting in work.. Was had a great evening with my fellow long lost friends.. And yeah, they are spontaneous enough and organized a trip to Penang by June! It's good to meet with them again...

It's new month, new beginning.. Don't know why, today just like awakening... Surprisingly feel released and free... The weight deep inside my heart is far way lighter and the negatives emotions as well as the miserable thoughts just surprisingly faded away.. Good start? But yeah! I am indeed very much enjoy this kind of changes.. It's just... Hmm... Which word to describe would be the best huh? Hmmm... Ya! Newborn!

My fellow colleagues... The juniors and seniors.. I am particularly felt sorry to my juniors - Melvin & Jing Min whom I guided half way.. I am sincerely apology for leave both of you in this company but decided to pursue another milestone of my career.. But I promise both of you, as long as you still need helps from me, text me or call me, I will give my hand to both of you at anytime and anywhere..

Early group photo with my colleagues...Haha, obviously, I am the princess of the day.. Ya, I am gonna miss the days and nights I spent in these 2 years in this office..We have hand in hand and faced all the difficulties in these 2 years, though we have arguments and holds different perspectives, but still, I am thankful for having all of you in my life and supports me and guides me.. I like this picture very much, as apparently, I am the main character.. LOL.. 

Memorable April 2013

Dear Rachel in April 2013,

Beginning of the month - May 2013, a brand new starts to myself... A new self always shaped by the past experiences, hence, in order to keep these memories, I am here to write up a summary of what were happened in April 2013...

April 2013.. Seriously, it's indeed a tough month for me in my life so far.. Seriously... I am overwhelmed with all kinds of negatives messages and emotions.. For I am facing endless painfulness and despair feelings throughout the entire month of April.. Though I covered it well, but somehow the tortures are sufficient to tear my heart into thousand pieces and bleed everyday silently without anyone knows about this, but exceptional to those whom I shared with..
(I was thinking, perhaps, I am having all the good things all these while and now He is trying to take away something from me and placed various obstacles on my path to test if I am strong enough to accept the best He arranges for me later in my life)

Difficulties or dilemmas in April 2013:-

Career:
A new opportunity in career:

• Have been worked in this company for more than 2years, everything happens just as planned. Joined as Junior Consultant, then got promoted as Senior Consultant by December 2012, and eventually undergone probation of 6months to become Team Lead officially. I was assigned to guide 2juniors within these 6months. The appraisal estimated will be done by June 2013. 
• Well, I have to say that the relationship between both of the juniors and myself is just wonderful and pleasant.
• As everything happens as planned, so I never apply or look for new career opportunity. 
• However, Feb 2013, a long-waited-yet-unexpected opportunity approached!! Surprise!! A manager from one of my top 5 companies called for interview. Normally I would just reject the invitation, but I just couldn't resist myself from saying "NO" to this invitation.. So, I accepted his invitation without any second thoughts occurred. 
• Attended 4 rounds interview with all the managers and directors.. The whole recruitment process took around 2months to reach the final stage - shortlisted for hiring and peding for offer package... Excited!!
• Oh yes! How could I decline this offer? Definitely YES!! Everything just matched my expectation!
• Commencement date in negotiation.. And, I am very much anticipate the upcoming changes in my career and life!

Dilemma begun:-

• As waited for the offer, attended another interview from the another company.. recommended by colleague..
• Oh crap! This is where the dilemma begins! 
• Offer letter presented in front of me immediately after the interview session with the managers.. Salary offered is higher than my dream company.. Opportunity or career path is somewhat similar in my current company.. And it is what I wished to get from my current company also, just that things changed due to the politics... Oh gosh!!
• My dream company provided the exposure and professionalism I am craving for; and yet this new company provided the leadership and authorities I am craving for.. Crap! 
• So, which path to choose?
• Had various discussion with friends, buddies and parents.. confusing.. The more I discussed, the more I confused myself. 

Doubts:-

• Should I trust you for you are my manager? 
• Should I trust you for you are my senior and team leader?
• Should I trust you for you are my colleague?
• Should I trust you for you are my country manager?
• Should I trust you for you are my candidate?
• Should I trust you for you are my potential future boss?
• Should I??????

Other issues raised unexpectedly:-

• Rumors, gossips and pretenders sometimes seriously kills!!
• I never expect that myself will be the target for the rumors and gossip!
• And because of these rumors, I decided to leave this company no matter how! This is just a hell for me! 
• Oh crap! Seriously, I just hate you all! You all made it! I rarely have such strong hatreds on people.. 
• Rumor 1:
• "She is too close with the juniors.. "
• "She is the rumors creator among the juniors.. "
• "She is teaching the juniors being disrespectful to the seniors.. "
• "She is the one who spreads the negative energies to the juniors to demotivate them in achieving sales... "
• "She is the one who teaches the junior not to obey or comply to the KPI.. "
• "She is the one who persuades juniors to look for other opportunity rather than staying in this company.." 
• Rumor 2: 
• "She used dirty trick to get sales.. "
• "She used her body to exchange sales and closure.. "
• "She is unprofessional.. "
• "She is just those 5354 woman.."
• Rumor 3: 
• "She is trying to override your authority... "
• "See, your team members all sides hers... "
• "She is just disrespectful to you... "
• "Her wings are hard enough already, so she doesn't need guidance anymore... "
• "She never respects you as her senior though.. "
• "Her sales are far more than yours, that's why she never take your advices seriously.."
• Know what?! These rumors just break my hearts and my impression on you guys! We have been colleague relationship for 2years more and I just never expect that you all will attacked me in such harsh way.. Does this benefit either one of you? How fake you all! I am just regret that I only able to discover all these after 2years.. I am seriously got affected by these... 

Relationship:

• The sudden detachment with an unexpected reason from you really hard to convince me that we are done.. The given reason was just simply nonsense I would say.. 
• Those sweets and lovely moments in the past seems nothing to you and apparently you were not appreciated at all.
• The coldness, coolness and assertiveness from you, seriously, I feel heartache each day.. 
• Checking on the time stamp in Whatsapp of you and her is even drives me crazy.. Why don't you just tell me that you have another new target but gave me the lame reason? 
• The broken heart and the broken bridge that connects both souls, did you aware of that? 
• Do you aware that you had broke this fragile heart and bridge deliberately again? Twice! 
• Do you know that I do have the choice to not to accept you for the second time back on November? But I chose to re-accept you and obviously I am giving you the second chance to hurt me again.. Am I stupid? 
• Why can't you appreciate of what I have done for you? Why can't you treasure the time that I chose to spend with you? Why can't you see that I am sincerely treating them nice and love to mingle around with them? Why can't you see the compromises? Why cant you try to be understanding and get to know the reasons behind? Why you are so ego and self-centered?
• Seriouslyy, this despair yet dreadful feeling really kills me.. But I know, you just wouldn't care at all..
• But, the conflict, the complicated relationship seriously affected my performance.. I just hate it.. Arg!
• I have sent you all the diaries I wrote in this month, mostly the feelings I have on this relationship, but never get your replies.. Or may be yes, few words.. Again, the heart bleed even more upon the receipt of your replies. 
• Your cruelness, sufficient to sentence me undoubtedly, to death.. 

With all these happened, my emotional seriously got affected and ya, it's just as if living in hell, for both internal and external.. Emotional unstable, doubt on myself, doubt on the trusts and friendship, doubt on my capabilities etc..

In April, I tried hard to pretend that I m ok.. I tried hard to ignore everything that happened.. I tried hard to not to confront myself.. I tried hard to escape from the ugly truths.. I tried hard to lie myself that everything is just a dream or liar.. I tried hard to convince myself that everything will be fine.. I tried hard to this and that, which I do not practice normally.... In short, I just don't want to face the reality, ya, trying to be denial... Ya, denial for a month! 

On 30th, I met you again, unexpectedly, oh crap! Things just challenging my borderline seriously!! I am questioning myself repeatedly, "Am I able to cope with the uncertainties within myself and still being professional"? No answer from myself, but I know I have to no mater how...

Oh! Please! Arg!

Why I never be informed that you are invited? Do you see the struggles? No! Do you see the uncertainty in my eyes? No! Do you feel the tense? No! Do you see the trembles on my hands? No! Gosh! I shouldn't have expect anything from you! I just need to remain as calm as I can and host the meeting and get the mission accomplished, I still have to be the role model and be professional. Oh well, yeah! Everything just happened as I wished..

Finally.. Thank God! I made it!

But... Crapped! Emotionally collapsed in the late evening after read your message! I cried for 3 hours in the office! Ya.. I cried again!! Crazily.. Luckily there was no one in the office!! Know what? I have used all my tears quota for the year.. So, I promised to myself, this gonna be the last time to cry for all these, I have to be mentally strong and not to be such fragile anymore..  Actually, I supposed to attend to my primary school gathering at 9pm, but I still cried like a big baby in the office! Anyway, I still manage to attend to the gathering at 10pm after Mr.David accompanied me in the office.

Seriously, I am glad to have my buddies and friends with me during my down time! Seriously thankful to them for keeping the secrets and treasure the trusts I have on them..
Special appreciation to:-

Mr.A, who initially my candidate and now become my brother! Thanks Gor, for listen to me and bear with me although you are facing the same problem with her too.. Thanks for your time and advices, although I know it's superb difficult for you for you are struggling there too.. Thanks for your kindness and generous..

Mr.TWK - complicated relationship.. My candidate's friend's friend.. Thanks boss, your accompanies through text and calls during the office hours seriously touched me and your advices really useful in making the decision.. Your knowledge transfer seriously benefits me and I am glad to have you and your unconditional concerns..

Mr.David, who same as Mr.A, used to be my candidate and now become best buddy! David, thanks for your accompany that night.. Your arrival in the office is seriously touched me, you were tired that night, you are in bad mood too, but you still dropped by and be there for me, silently, besides me.. Thanks for the shoulder, the silence and privacy you gave me.. With your occurrence and concerns, I felt much better after that. And, thanks for be my driver and partner to attend to the gathering.. Seriously, thanks and I honestly appreciate this... Of course, thanks for brought me out to relax and sang out all the dissatisfaction and keep me accompanies.. Scorpio! My favorite horoscope ever!! Thanks!

Mr.Someone, thanks for the advices and acceptance to listen to someone who was insane and crazily in need of answers. Thanks for your patience and calmness and your acceptance on this Scorpio..

Miss P & J, my colleagues and best buddies, both of you, thanks.. Nothing more I can say besides this, both of you knew me well, clear of the incidents and experiences I faced throughout the months and years.. Thanks for being my side and listen to me.. Thanks for being my advisor, my counsellor and my toilet-kaki.. 

Now, everything is ok and under controlled... I have made up my mind on both career and relationship.. I know which one is the best for myself! The sudden awake just refreshing my soul.. That's wonderful and awesome!! Never been such BETTER!!

Ya! I am saying Good-Bye to my hell April and welcome the sunshine May... Though April wasn't that pleasant to me and indeed tortured me a lot, but thanks for all the experiences and ugly truths... I learnt... Without these, I wouldn't know and wouldn't learn these lessons that couldn't be purchased with money... Thanks... Sincerely thankful.. I will keep this in mind, as a reminder to myself, never repeat the same mistakes again in the future.. 

Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps, what happened in April was a preparation for myself  to enter into a total new working environment. Perhaps, it was also aimed to strengthen my emotional and mentality.. No matter what the purpose is, I am glad for the experiences and incidents I had in the past, without these breakthroughs, I am not who I am now... 

Regards,

Rachel in May 2013..