Journey of Self-Confrontation

Saw the pictures in my iPad and iPhone... I guess I should have utilize them and do a quick self-confrontation for the recent significant incidents.. Somehow, sometimes pictures speak more than words... Therefore, I decided to upload few pictures that sufficient to describe the stories...

The journey starts:-

I have used to message you early in the morning everyday... Although I know sometimes may not get any replies from you, but somehow, you will still reply later in the day to invite for the dinner after working hours.. Hence, though didn't receive any replies from you in the morning, but I am still anticipated for the next reply in the late evening or noon...

However, things changed since 28th March 2013, I never received any replies from you anymore.. And I know, something is happening, I could sense it from the sudden detachment from you... Wondering what's wrong actually...

I know that both of us are busy in our own career, but is it possible that you being such close to me when you are by my side.. The tender touch, the warmest hugs basically speaks everything.. But why can't I get these from you? And now, you are so "stranger" to me... It's scary on this sudden change...

One day, I saw this quote from Facebook, and I saved this picture immediately. Somehow, the first thought that crossed my mind was: "Should I let you go and myself, too? Since you are not giving any answers or responses and seems not listening to any of my explanation and being ignorant to all my emotions and feelings, should I still reserve a place in my heart for you?" I am wondering.. The back-and-fore of the thoughts killing me gently each day..

Know what darling, I am just a woman, but I have to be strong.. Have you ever see the tears in my eyes and the bleeding heart that you were once cared and loved? Have you ever imagine how fragile I would be.. I am just standing alone at the place where you left me out of the sudden, and you just walked away determinedly and reluctant to look at me again, not even the messages and feelings I shared through WhatsApp and notes... You are just as cruel as cold-blooded serial killer....

        

You knew that I never complaint that you do not have time for me or you are not caring or considerate enough.. In fact, I knew that both of us are trying our best to catch up for dinner and movie whenever we have time.. Doing things together and spend the time together... I knew your job nature, it's always on 24/7, it's always a fire fighting job, therefore, I never meant to occupy your time fully but gave you sufficient   freedom and space to busy on your task, although how much I wish you tell me that: "My dear, it's ok, you are more important, I keep you accompany first".. Well, this never happened though, but it doesn't creates any disappointment too for I truly understood your characteristics and your passion in works.. But why, this became the reason of yours for the detachment? I seriously don't understand on this...

This was the first picture you took for me in Japan... Undeniable, you are a capable man, but your egoness and self-centered thoughts sometimes really screwed me up, but somehow, I am still ok with these... You left me alone to carry the luggage by myself... You never take initiative to hold my hand... You never take initiative to hug me... You never take initiative to kiss me... I am ok with all these and I took the initiative to do all these... No complaints... But I wish you could sense the souls within myself... Well, no point to think of this anymore, you are just don't give a damn anymore..

Darling, It's been a month you didn't contacted with me, I receive no replies from you on the messages I sent to you and the diary of mine.. Hmm... You did replied, a short one: "Sorry for hurt you, we are still friend.." That's it??? Nothing much? The already-broken-torn-apart-fragile-heart being torn apart again... Ya, with no possibilities to heal... By the same person again and again... Throughout the month, I kept reviewed again and again on the conversation we used to have in WhatsApp.. How lovely you were.. But now, you become a stranger I not so familiar with.. You are distanced yourself from me and trying to cut off everything from me..

This was the last picture that I took at your place.. I still remembered the question you asked and the changes on your face immediately right after my replied... Ya, I should have knew this was the key-trigger point that caused up all these unwanted issues.. But, you chose to leave no rooms for me to explain and you just reluctant to listen nor accept the explanation but replied: "This is my lazy straw, sorry!" And you sent me home immediately.... And, decided to cut off everything and burnt the bridge that was once reconnected both souls..

Went to Bali with my secondary school mates, it was indeed an enjoyable trip... But somehow, your name and those past memories vividly reoccurred in my mind again and again  especially before bed time... It was really killed me.. Gosh! I covered all my emotions perfectly in the trip itself, until the pains from my wisdom tooth rescued me from release my long-struggled-dreadful-unpleasant-emotions together with the tears.. Ya, the tears of pain deceived my fellow friends who thought I cried crazily purely due to the painfulness from my wisdom tooth... I am so sorry on this... But I seriously need to release my emotions, else, it is damn unhealthy to myself...

It's been almost a month time, I should be wake up from any expectation or hopes, as these would not happen anymore... I knew the truth, I knew the facts,I knew what's going on in the company and what's going on with you and her... Somehow, I need times to accept what had my mind informed me and what it had accepted... Yup, I am struggling between my overwhelmed emotions and the god-damn-rational-thoughts... Please, I just wanted to escape from the truth.. Please don't pull me away from the memories.. Although I know I shouldn't...

I have 2 offers on hand, I would like to discuss with you and seek for your advises  too. Besides, I was very much bothered by the gossips and rumors in the company, too.. I am in need of someone to talk to.. Somehow, you just don't bother and simply threw me few sentences as advises . Never mind, a week later, I have made up my mind.. I have decided the one that most suits me for the next 5 years and decided to tender and ignore all the untruthfulness in the company.. 

Whenever I checked the latest news feed in Facebook, I would see quotes like this.. A very reminding quota and positive quotes that encouraged people to forgo the past and moves on the rest of the time... It's indeed motivating, initially... But, my Scorpio's characteristics seriously can't ignore what was happened, I am waiting for the answer... I need the major reason why caused the broke up... Ya, I am stubborn...

The mood swing, the roller-coaster-kind-of-feelings, constantly happened in April... I could be awake and decided to let go in the morning, but tend to find out why in the next minutes... Seriously killing me... I am just insane.. Therefore, every time I m encountered this kind of mood swing episodes, I will switch on my phone and record the feelings, a diary of mine for the April 2013... From love to hate... And from hate to miss... And from miss to loss... And from loss to miss... And again from miss to love... These kind of feelings... Never leave me... I m struggling and trying my best to find the adequacy and balance point... I am trying my best to strengthen my rational than the evil emotions traps... Trying... I am seriously trying....

Today (30th April 2013)... A date that I would never forget... Emotional crushed! I never expect that I would meet with you again, and under this occasional.. Crap!!! I am weighting my emotions and professionalism... It's indeed torturing.. I have to remain calm and host the meeting as if nothing else happens, react as natural as I could, being as friendly as I could and trying to collect more information from the managers and get my mission accomplished... But on the other hand, the fragile and broken heart bleed again silently... The trembles in my voices and the tenses, the blushes on my face, all the non verbal languages, did you notice them? No!

It's indeed a long long day for me... After the meeting, waiting for candidate and HR to have lunch together.. To help them get to know each other even more and intended to get them closer so that easily for the juniors to get things completed in the future when I am no longer in the office but they still manage to handle the account effectively. Please don;t think about him...

It's half past 7pm on 30/4, no one in the office, as usual, I am the latest to leave company again, although my resignation was finally accepted... Oh crap!! Last day of April, is it the time for me to cry even more? I have forgotten how many pails of tears I have filled so far... Countless? May be... The trigger was from the reply of yours... Short and simple, emotionless and cool... Great! Cried again! Some of my friends gave me emotional supports through words.. Yes Gor, I had promised myself this would be the last time I cry for someone that no longer love me.. Once the end of 30/4, mui mui Me, will not cry anymore.. Yet, David, you are the only one dropped by office and be there for me... Seriously thank you.. Perhaps both of us also Scorpio, so you understood what I needed and you were just be there silently and offered your shoulder to me... Bro, thanks a lot... 

Cried for 3 hours, should have headed to Cheras for gathering with my primary school mates... David, thanks again for being my driver, although you were terribly tiring that night after the never-ending fire fighting in work.. Was had a great evening with my fellow long lost friends.. And yeah, they are spontaneous enough and organized a trip to Penang by June! It's good to meet with them again...

It's new month, new beginning.. Don't know why, today just like awakening... Surprisingly feel released and free... The weight deep inside my heart is far way lighter and the negatives emotions as well as the miserable thoughts just surprisingly faded away.. Good start? But yeah! I am indeed very much enjoy this kind of changes.. It's just... Hmm... Which word to describe would be the best huh? Hmmm... Ya! Newborn!

My fellow colleagues... The juniors and seniors.. I am particularly felt sorry to my juniors - Melvin & Jing Min whom I guided half way.. I am sincerely apology for leave both of you in this company but decided to pursue another milestone of my career.. But I promise both of you, as long as you still need helps from me, text me or call me, I will give my hand to both of you at anytime and anywhere..

Early group photo with my colleagues...Haha, obviously, I am the princess of the day.. Ya, I am gonna miss the days and nights I spent in these 2 years in this office..We have hand in hand and faced all the difficulties in these 2 years, though we have arguments and holds different perspectives, but still, I am thankful for having all of you in my life and supports me and guides me.. I like this picture very much, as apparently, I am the main character.. LOL..