Journey of Self-Confrontation

Saw the pictures in my iPad and iPhone... I guess I should have utilize them and do a quick self-confrontation for the recent significant incidents.. Somehow, sometimes pictures speak more than words... Therefore, I decided to upload few pictures that sufficient to describe the stories...

The journey starts:-

I have used to message you early in the morning everyday... Although I know sometimes may not get any replies from you, but somehow, you will still reply later in the day to invite for the dinner after working hours.. Hence, though didn't receive any replies from you in the morning, but I am still anticipated for the next reply in the late evening or noon...

However, things changed since 28th March 2013, I never received any replies from you anymore.. And I know, something is happening, I could sense it from the sudden detachment from you... Wondering what's wrong actually...

I know that both of us are busy in our own career, but is it possible that you being such close to me when you are by my side.. The tender touch, the warmest hugs basically speaks everything.. But why can't I get these from you? And now, you are so "stranger" to me... It's scary on this sudden change...

One day, I saw this quote from Facebook, and I saved this picture immediately. Somehow, the first thought that crossed my mind was: "Should I let you go and myself, too? Since you are not giving any answers or responses and seems not listening to any of my explanation and being ignorant to all my emotions and feelings, should I still reserve a place in my heart for you?" I am wondering.. The back-and-fore of the thoughts killing me gently each day..

Know what darling, I am just a woman, but I have to be strong.. Have you ever see the tears in my eyes and the bleeding heart that you were once cared and loved? Have you ever imagine how fragile I would be.. I am just standing alone at the place where you left me out of the sudden, and you just walked away determinedly and reluctant to look at me again, not even the messages and feelings I shared through WhatsApp and notes... You are just as cruel as cold-blooded serial killer....

        

You knew that I never complaint that you do not have time for me or you are not caring or considerate enough.. In fact, I knew that both of us are trying our best to catch up for dinner and movie whenever we have time.. Doing things together and spend the time together... I knew your job nature, it's always on 24/7, it's always a fire fighting job, therefore, I never meant to occupy your time fully but gave you sufficient   freedom and space to busy on your task, although how much I wish you tell me that: "My dear, it's ok, you are more important, I keep you accompany first".. Well, this never happened though, but it doesn't creates any disappointment too for I truly understood your characteristics and your passion in works.. But why, this became the reason of yours for the detachment? I seriously don't understand on this...

This was the first picture you took for me in Japan... Undeniable, you are a capable man, but your egoness and self-centered thoughts sometimes really screwed me up, but somehow, I am still ok with these... You left me alone to carry the luggage by myself... You never take initiative to hold my hand... You never take initiative to hug me... You never take initiative to kiss me... I am ok with all these and I took the initiative to do all these... No complaints... But I wish you could sense the souls within myself... Well, no point to think of this anymore, you are just don't give a damn anymore..

Darling, It's been a month you didn't contacted with me, I receive no replies from you on the messages I sent to you and the diary of mine.. Hmm... You did replied, a short one: "Sorry for hurt you, we are still friend.." That's it??? Nothing much? The already-broken-torn-apart-fragile-heart being torn apart again... Ya, with no possibilities to heal... By the same person again and again... Throughout the month, I kept reviewed again and again on the conversation we used to have in WhatsApp.. How lovely you were.. But now, you become a stranger I not so familiar with.. You are distanced yourself from me and trying to cut off everything from me..

This was the last picture that I took at your place.. I still remembered the question you asked and the changes on your face immediately right after my replied... Ya, I should have knew this was the key-trigger point that caused up all these unwanted issues.. But, you chose to leave no rooms for me to explain and you just reluctant to listen nor accept the explanation but replied: "This is my lazy straw, sorry!" And you sent me home immediately.... And, decided to cut off everything and burnt the bridge that was once reconnected both souls..

Went to Bali with my secondary school mates, it was indeed an enjoyable trip... But somehow, your name and those past memories vividly reoccurred in my mind again and again  especially before bed time... It was really killed me.. Gosh! I covered all my emotions perfectly in the trip itself, until the pains from my wisdom tooth rescued me from release my long-struggled-dreadful-unpleasant-emotions together with the tears.. Ya, the tears of pain deceived my fellow friends who thought I cried crazily purely due to the painfulness from my wisdom tooth... I am so sorry on this... But I seriously need to release my emotions, else, it is damn unhealthy to myself...

It's been almost a month time, I should be wake up from any expectation or hopes, as these would not happen anymore... I knew the truth, I knew the facts,I knew what's going on in the company and what's going on with you and her... Somehow, I need times to accept what had my mind informed me and what it had accepted... Yup, I am struggling between my overwhelmed emotions and the god-damn-rational-thoughts... Please, I just wanted to escape from the truth.. Please don't pull me away from the memories.. Although I know I shouldn't...

I have 2 offers on hand, I would like to discuss with you and seek for your advises  too. Besides, I was very much bothered by the gossips and rumors in the company, too.. I am in need of someone to talk to.. Somehow, you just don't bother and simply threw me few sentences as advises . Never mind, a week later, I have made up my mind.. I have decided the one that most suits me for the next 5 years and decided to tender and ignore all the untruthfulness in the company.. 

Whenever I checked the latest news feed in Facebook, I would see quotes like this.. A very reminding quota and positive quotes that encouraged people to forgo the past and moves on the rest of the time... It's indeed motivating, initially... But, my Scorpio's characteristics seriously can't ignore what was happened, I am waiting for the answer... I need the major reason why caused the broke up... Ya, I am stubborn...

The mood swing, the roller-coaster-kind-of-feelings, constantly happened in April... I could be awake and decided to let go in the morning, but tend to find out why in the next minutes... Seriously killing me... I am just insane.. Therefore, every time I m encountered this kind of mood swing episodes, I will switch on my phone and record the feelings, a diary of mine for the April 2013... From love to hate... And from hate to miss... And from miss to loss... And from loss to miss... And again from miss to love... These kind of feelings... Never leave me... I m struggling and trying my best to find the adequacy and balance point... I am trying my best to strengthen my rational than the evil emotions traps... Trying... I am seriously trying....

Today (30th April 2013)... A date that I would never forget... Emotional crushed! I never expect that I would meet with you again, and under this occasional.. Crap!!! I am weighting my emotions and professionalism... It's indeed torturing.. I have to remain calm and host the meeting as if nothing else happens, react as natural as I could, being as friendly as I could and trying to collect more information from the managers and get my mission accomplished... But on the other hand, the fragile and broken heart bleed again silently... The trembles in my voices and the tenses, the blushes on my face, all the non verbal languages, did you notice them? No!

It's indeed a long long day for me... After the meeting, waiting for candidate and HR to have lunch together.. To help them get to know each other even more and intended to get them closer so that easily for the juniors to get things completed in the future when I am no longer in the office but they still manage to handle the account effectively. Please don;t think about him...

It's half past 7pm on 30/4, no one in the office, as usual, I am the latest to leave company again, although my resignation was finally accepted... Oh crap!! Last day of April, is it the time for me to cry even more? I have forgotten how many pails of tears I have filled so far... Countless? May be... The trigger was from the reply of yours... Short and simple, emotionless and cool... Great! Cried again! Some of my friends gave me emotional supports through words.. Yes Gor, I had promised myself this would be the last time I cry for someone that no longer love me.. Once the end of 30/4, mui mui Me, will not cry anymore.. Yet, David, you are the only one dropped by office and be there for me... Seriously thank you.. Perhaps both of us also Scorpio, so you understood what I needed and you were just be there silently and offered your shoulder to me... Bro, thanks a lot... 

Cried for 3 hours, should have headed to Cheras for gathering with my primary school mates... David, thanks again for being my driver, although you were terribly tiring that night after the never-ending fire fighting in work.. Was had a great evening with my fellow long lost friends.. And yeah, they are spontaneous enough and organized a trip to Penang by June! It's good to meet with them again...

It's new month, new beginning.. Don't know why, today just like awakening... Surprisingly feel released and free... The weight deep inside my heart is far way lighter and the negatives emotions as well as the miserable thoughts just surprisingly faded away.. Good start? But yeah! I am indeed very much enjoy this kind of changes.. It's just... Hmm... Which word to describe would be the best huh? Hmmm... Ya! Newborn!

My fellow colleagues... The juniors and seniors.. I am particularly felt sorry to my juniors - Melvin & Jing Min whom I guided half way.. I am sincerely apology for leave both of you in this company but decided to pursue another milestone of my career.. But I promise both of you, as long as you still need helps from me, text me or call me, I will give my hand to both of you at anytime and anywhere..

Early group photo with my colleagues...Haha, obviously, I am the princess of the day.. Ya, I am gonna miss the days and nights I spent in these 2 years in this office..We have hand in hand and faced all the difficulties in these 2 years, though we have arguments and holds different perspectives, but still, I am thankful for having all of you in my life and supports me and guides me.. I like this picture very much, as apparently, I am the main character.. LOL.. 

Memorable April 2013

Dear Rachel in April 2013,

Beginning of the month - May 2013, a brand new starts to myself... A new self always shaped by the past experiences, hence, in order to keep these memories, I am here to write up a summary of what were happened in April 2013...

April 2013.. Seriously, it's indeed a tough month for me in my life so far.. Seriously... I am overwhelmed with all kinds of negatives messages and emotions.. For I am facing endless painfulness and despair feelings throughout the entire month of April.. Though I covered it well, but somehow the tortures are sufficient to tear my heart into thousand pieces and bleed everyday silently without anyone knows about this, but exceptional to those whom I shared with..
(I was thinking, perhaps, I am having all the good things all these while and now He is trying to take away something from me and placed various obstacles on my path to test if I am strong enough to accept the best He arranges for me later in my life)

Difficulties or dilemmas in April 2013:-

Career:
A new opportunity in career:

• Have been worked in this company for more than 2years, everything happens just as planned. Joined as Junior Consultant, then got promoted as Senior Consultant by December 2012, and eventually undergone probation of 6months to become Team Lead officially. I was assigned to guide 2juniors within these 6months. The appraisal estimated will be done by June 2013. 
• Well, I have to say that the relationship between both of the juniors and myself is just wonderful and pleasant.
• As everything happens as planned, so I never apply or look for new career opportunity. 
• However, Feb 2013, a long-waited-yet-unexpected opportunity approached!! Surprise!! A manager from one of my top 5 companies called for interview. Normally I would just reject the invitation, but I just couldn't resist myself from saying "NO" to this invitation.. So, I accepted his invitation without any second thoughts occurred. 
• Attended 4 rounds interview with all the managers and directors.. The whole recruitment process took around 2months to reach the final stage - shortlisted for hiring and peding for offer package... Excited!!
• Oh yes! How could I decline this offer? Definitely YES!! Everything just matched my expectation!
• Commencement date in negotiation.. And, I am very much anticipate the upcoming changes in my career and life!

Dilemma begun:-

• As waited for the offer, attended another interview from the another company.. recommended by colleague..
• Oh crap! This is where the dilemma begins! 
• Offer letter presented in front of me immediately after the interview session with the managers.. Salary offered is higher than my dream company.. Opportunity or career path is somewhat similar in my current company.. And it is what I wished to get from my current company also, just that things changed due to the politics... Oh gosh!!
• My dream company provided the exposure and professionalism I am craving for; and yet this new company provided the leadership and authorities I am craving for.. Crap! 
• So, which path to choose?
• Had various discussion with friends, buddies and parents.. confusing.. The more I discussed, the more I confused myself. 

Doubts:-

• Should I trust you for you are my manager? 
• Should I trust you for you are my senior and team leader?
• Should I trust you for you are my colleague?
• Should I trust you for you are my country manager?
• Should I trust you for you are my candidate?
• Should I trust you for you are my potential future boss?
• Should I??????

Other issues raised unexpectedly:-

• Rumors, gossips and pretenders sometimes seriously kills!!
• I never expect that myself will be the target for the rumors and gossip!
• And because of these rumors, I decided to leave this company no matter how! This is just a hell for me! 
• Oh crap! Seriously, I just hate you all! You all made it! I rarely have such strong hatreds on people.. 
• Rumor 1:
• "She is too close with the juniors.. "
• "She is the rumors creator among the juniors.. "
• "She is teaching the juniors being disrespectful to the seniors.. "
• "She is the one who spreads the negative energies to the juniors to demotivate them in achieving sales... "
• "She is the one who teaches the junior not to obey or comply to the KPI.. "
• "She is the one who persuades juniors to look for other opportunity rather than staying in this company.." 
• Rumor 2: 
• "She used dirty trick to get sales.. "
• "She used her body to exchange sales and closure.. "
• "She is unprofessional.. "
• "She is just those 5354 woman.."
• Rumor 3: 
• "She is trying to override your authority... "
• "See, your team members all sides hers... "
• "She is just disrespectful to you... "
• "Her wings are hard enough already, so she doesn't need guidance anymore... "
• "She never respects you as her senior though.. "
• "Her sales are far more than yours, that's why she never take your advices seriously.."
• Know what?! These rumors just break my hearts and my impression on you guys! We have been colleague relationship for 2years more and I just never expect that you all will attacked me in such harsh way.. Does this benefit either one of you? How fake you all! I am just regret that I only able to discover all these after 2years.. I am seriously got affected by these... 

Relationship:

• The sudden detachment with an unexpected reason from you really hard to convince me that we are done.. The given reason was just simply nonsense I would say.. 
• Those sweets and lovely moments in the past seems nothing to you and apparently you were not appreciated at all.
• The coldness, coolness and assertiveness from you, seriously, I feel heartache each day.. 
• Checking on the time stamp in Whatsapp of you and her is even drives me crazy.. Why don't you just tell me that you have another new target but gave me the lame reason? 
• The broken heart and the broken bridge that connects both souls, did you aware of that? 
• Do you aware that you had broke this fragile heart and bridge deliberately again? Twice! 
• Do you know that I do have the choice to not to accept you for the second time back on November? But I chose to re-accept you and obviously I am giving you the second chance to hurt me again.. Am I stupid? 
• Why can't you appreciate of what I have done for you? Why can't you treasure the time that I chose to spend with you? Why can't you see that I am sincerely treating them nice and love to mingle around with them? Why can't you see the compromises? Why cant you try to be understanding and get to know the reasons behind? Why you are so ego and self-centered?
• Seriouslyy, this despair yet dreadful feeling really kills me.. But I know, you just wouldn't care at all..
• But, the conflict, the complicated relationship seriously affected my performance.. I just hate it.. Arg!
• I have sent you all the diaries I wrote in this month, mostly the feelings I have on this relationship, but never get your replies.. Or may be yes, few words.. Again, the heart bleed even more upon the receipt of your replies. 
• Your cruelness, sufficient to sentence me undoubtedly, to death.. 

With all these happened, my emotional seriously got affected and ya, it's just as if living in hell, for both internal and external.. Emotional unstable, doubt on myself, doubt on the trusts and friendship, doubt on my capabilities etc..

In April, I tried hard to pretend that I m ok.. I tried hard to ignore everything that happened.. I tried hard to not to confront myself.. I tried hard to escape from the ugly truths.. I tried hard to lie myself that everything is just a dream or liar.. I tried hard to convince myself that everything will be fine.. I tried hard to this and that, which I do not practice normally.... In short, I just don't want to face the reality, ya, trying to be denial... Ya, denial for a month! 

On 30th, I met you again, unexpectedly, oh crap! Things just challenging my borderline seriously!! I am questioning myself repeatedly, "Am I able to cope with the uncertainties within myself and still being professional"? No answer from myself, but I know I have to no mater how...

Oh! Please! Arg!

Why I never be informed that you are invited? Do you see the struggles? No! Do you see the uncertainty in my eyes? No! Do you feel the tense? No! Do you see the trembles on my hands? No! Gosh! I shouldn't have expect anything from you! I just need to remain as calm as I can and host the meeting and get the mission accomplished, I still have to be the role model and be professional. Oh well, yeah! Everything just happened as I wished..

Finally.. Thank God! I made it!

But... Crapped! Emotionally collapsed in the late evening after read your message! I cried for 3 hours in the office! Ya.. I cried again!! Crazily.. Luckily there was no one in the office!! Know what? I have used all my tears quota for the year.. So, I promised to myself, this gonna be the last time to cry for all these, I have to be mentally strong and not to be such fragile anymore..  Actually, I supposed to attend to my primary school gathering at 9pm, but I still cried like a big baby in the office! Anyway, I still manage to attend to the gathering at 10pm after Mr.David accompanied me in the office.

Seriously, I am glad to have my buddies and friends with me during my down time! Seriously thankful to them for keeping the secrets and treasure the trusts I have on them..
Special appreciation to:-

Mr.A, who initially my candidate and now become my brother! Thanks Gor, for listen to me and bear with me although you are facing the same problem with her too.. Thanks for your time and advices, although I know it's superb difficult for you for you are struggling there too.. Thanks for your kindness and generous..

Mr.TWK - complicated relationship.. My candidate's friend's friend.. Thanks boss, your accompanies through text and calls during the office hours seriously touched me and your advices really useful in making the decision.. Your knowledge transfer seriously benefits me and I am glad to have you and your unconditional concerns..

Mr.David, who same as Mr.A, used to be my candidate and now become best buddy! David, thanks for your accompany that night.. Your arrival in the office is seriously touched me, you were tired that night, you are in bad mood too, but you still dropped by and be there for me, silently, besides me.. Thanks for the shoulder, the silence and privacy you gave me.. With your occurrence and concerns, I felt much better after that. And, thanks for be my driver and partner to attend to the gathering.. Seriously, thanks and I honestly appreciate this... Of course, thanks for brought me out to relax and sang out all the dissatisfaction and keep me accompanies.. Scorpio! My favorite horoscope ever!! Thanks!

Mr.Someone, thanks for the advices and acceptance to listen to someone who was insane and crazily in need of answers. Thanks for your patience and calmness and your acceptance on this Scorpio..

Miss P & J, my colleagues and best buddies, both of you, thanks.. Nothing more I can say besides this, both of you knew me well, clear of the incidents and experiences I faced throughout the months and years.. Thanks for being my side and listen to me.. Thanks for being my advisor, my counsellor and my toilet-kaki.. 

Now, everything is ok and under controlled... I have made up my mind on both career and relationship.. I know which one is the best for myself! The sudden awake just refreshing my soul.. That's wonderful and awesome!! Never been such BETTER!!

Ya! I am saying Good-Bye to my hell April and welcome the sunshine May... Though April wasn't that pleasant to me and indeed tortured me a lot, but thanks for all the experiences and ugly truths... I learnt... Without these, I wouldn't know and wouldn't learn these lessons that couldn't be purchased with money... Thanks... Sincerely thankful.. I will keep this in mind, as a reminder to myself, never repeat the same mistakes again in the future.. 

Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps, what happened in April was a preparation for myself  to enter into a total new working environment. Perhaps, it was also aimed to strengthen my emotional and mentality.. No matter what the purpose is, I am glad for the experiences and incidents I had in the past, without these breakthroughs, I am not who I am now... 

Regards,

Rachel in May 2013.. 

Theory of Glass of Water

What would you describe "WATER'?

Okie, how about you are assigned to accomplish 2 missions as below:-

Mission 1:-
There is an empty glass placed on a table, and a jug of water placed just besides the glass.

Your mission is: You are required to fill the empty glass with the jug of water that prepared on the table, amount of the water is not limited.

So, how much water would you pour into the empty glass?

Mission 1: How much water would you pour into the empty glass?

Mission 2:-
So, you had made up your mind on the amount of the water that you wanted to fill into the empty glass, and you had filled it up.

Your mission now is: You are required to fill in the remaining water from the jug of water into the same glass. Hence, you are required to pour out the water from the glass you had just filled before fill it up again.

So, how much water would you willing to pour out from the glass before adding in the remaining from the jug?

Mission 2: How much water you willing to pour out from the glass you filled just now?

Do you know what is the aim of these two missions?
What did you learnt then?
Well, it's just a projection of the real-life situation.

In Mission 1, the empty glass actually represents an individual who knows nothing, and the jug of water represents the hunger of knowledge or desires to exposure this individual possessed. After the glass filled with water, the remaining unfilled space basically represents the room for the individual to grow.

In Mission 2, the filled glass represents the knowledge you gained through the experiences. So now, the question is: Are you willing to pour out the water from the filled glass and refill it with water again? Which this actually implies the question of "Are you willing to empty your mind again before crave for new knowledge?"

Try to think in this way:-

• Are you willing to give up everything you have now and start all over again?
• Would you open your heart to accept the opinions from others?
• Would you set yourself free from expectation or assumptions before trying something new?
• How much sacrifices you willing to make in order to achieve your goal?
• Are you flexible enough to adapt into different circumstances?
• etc..

So, by adopting the lesson of water into our real life scenarios, as below:-

Scenario:

"RT is a Senior Consultant in a company, and have serviced for more than 2years. Throughout the 2years services, she is the Top 3 performers in the company, she was given a lot of opportunity to involve in charity management, account management, client management and people management. However, she is well-aware that what she is currently doing basically just wouldn't helps much in the professionalism development she dreamt for in the industry, and there are not much rooms for the career growth in this company, if she wants to go further in this path"

"Now, she has an offer on hand with a reasonable salary package from a MNC company, but she has to start and build her career all over again, which is back to the junior consultant role and prove to new employer of her capability again. But on the other hand, she is already well-established in her current company. She is basically in the team lead list and she knew that she is gonna promoted to be team lead officially in 2months time." 

So, tell me, what would you do  if you are RT. Would you let go everything - sales record, title, knowledge, clients, reputation, client and candidate database - that you have built throughout the 2years in the company and restart and reestablish the reputation from zero again in new company?

The above scenario is just a small portion from our real-life. There are a lot more real-life scenarios happened 24/7 and 365 around the world. I believe, yourself, do experience this kind of dilemma..

So, ask yourself today: "Am I willing to empty my glass of water?"

 

 

你看见的改变

改变？
对！！
我真的变了。。
变得我觉得有些恐怖，甚至让我迷恋，沉迷于使坏。。

回想起当初的我，真的以为爱就是所有。说真的，还蛮可笑。

曾经的我为了爱，放弃自我。可以为了身边的他，撇开自己的意愿，什么都以他为先，然后才管自己。不管自己有多不开心，只要能让他开心，什么都依。就像是一个活生生的傀儡。当时，根本就不懂得怎样写“我”，知道的就只有“他。。。他。。。他。。。”。就算是知道不应该，但还是无可自拔的陷入。在他们眼中，他们不把我做得当作一回事。我没怨言。

曾经为了他们，不管父母亲的反对，毅然决定要跟他们在一起，倔强的要证明给他们看我选的他们是适合我的，就心想一定要他们掉眼镜。也许因为这样，有些委曲求全，也许。另外，当然也有因为爱，互相退让。说我没付出，没替他们想，我不吭声，哑子吃黄连，有苦自己知。

曾经为了要见到他们，一放了学，就跑去见他们。一有时间，就让给他们。就算家教再怎么严，都会尽我可能，向父母妥协，就算撒谎，也只为了要与他们有多一点的相聚时间。但得到的就只有怨言 “跟你拍拖好像跟你家人拍拖” “又那么早回，不能迟一点哦？”

曾经，他们要我乖，我就乖。要我温柔，我就温柔。不要我想太多，我想但不出声。只要他们的一句，我能做的，我就会做。但，在他们眼中，我总是一个不听话的孩子，很闷的一个人。

曾经的我，一旦进入爱情门槛，就会迷失自我，我的世界里，就只有他，没有其他人，盲目的一头载入，甭管自己的意愿。虽然说为我的他做的一切是心甘情愿的，但，当时的我，做的一切，就只依着他的意愿走，自己的就不管。就像一个躯壳，但没有自己的灵魂而是他的灵魂。

回望，当时的我，虽然真的爱了，但，失去自己。虽然有付出，但得到的却是责备和不谅解。我并不是埋怨，毕竟他们曾是我爱过的人，若不是因为他们，我不会成长。该说谢谢。
其实，说真的，如果没有当初的懵懂天真，不会有现在的我。如果没有当初的那份冲动，不会有现在的实在。

现在的我，不再像之前那么的渴望爱情。决不能！现在，爱情并不是我的所有。如果没能遇见一位真正能接受我的思想的人，接受我全部的人，我不爱。

我的确遇见不少好男人，也遇见一位能真正接受我的全部的人，一位不试图改变我的人，但，很可惜，我的热情不再，心也如此。

现在的我，变得比之前更冷，更疯狂，更加的保护自己，同时也变得很自私，什么都以自己为主，你喜欢就喜欢，不喜欢也不干我事。变得如此，我也没察觉，直到最近有件事情发生，方恍然大悟。原来，我变了。。。

我发现，原来现在的我，很享受单身的感觉，因为我可以自由自在的做我喜欢的事，说我要说的话，我行我素，一个真正的自己，不让人左右我的想法，更不让那些试图改变我的人得逞。你若觉得我难搞，那就别搞，别浪费时间。你若不是真的爱我，那就请你滚远点。

曾经的懵懂，不会再被重复，决不容许！经过之前的他们，我更加得懂得我要的男人到底是一个怎样的人，我向往那种相处方式，我更加得懂得分清楚烂男人和好男人，等等。我不再主动地告诉他‘我想念你‘，我不再将热情释放，不再隐瞒自己的意愿，很坦然地说出自己的喜欢与不喜欢。不容许自己再次的变成傀儡。曾经的我因为爱迷失自己，但，现在的我，决不能再次的迷失自己，就算再爱，也不能。迷失自己是一件很可怕的事，一个没有自己灵魂的躯壳，怎么能称得上是自己呢？

我身边的朋友也察觉，尤其是我的好朋友，Franky lai，他是一位真正看着我改变的人。他对我的改变，感到欣慰，也感到痛心，因为他觉得，我失去当初的懵懂和可爱。Baby Jocey 则是一位知道我想法的人，了解我为人的好姐妹。一位似乎我不用怎么说，她就明白我想什么的人。一如往常说的，如果我的男的，一定娶她了。

我真的变了。我发现了。
爱情对我而言，由最初的超级重要变得一切顺其自然。
有就有，没有就没有。一个人，并不会死掉。
这次，真的，顺其自然吧。

[过]

感情是人生里必上的一课。。。
跌跌又撞撞
这里黑 那里青

暗叹。。
庆幸。。
感恩。。
幸福。。

综合之前的每一段恋情，从执著。。。

“说过给我的依赖，怎么默默的就拿走？

说过给我的宠爱，怎么默默的就没收？

说过给我的幸福，怎么默默的就转让？
说过给我的甜蜜，怎么默默的就变淡？”

变潇洒。。。领悟了。。谢谢。。

“[过] 是过去式
说[过] 说[过]，说了就[过]
同样的

爱[过] 爱[过]，爱了就[过]”

相信当下 忘记当下
相信情绪 忘记字句

我相信你对我许下承诺的当下，我相信你当时的情绪
随之而来的是
我选择淡忘你许下的承诺，淡忘承诺里的每一个字句

p/s:
突发而想的情况下所写的。。。
虽然是亲身经历过的事，但是[过去式]。。。
别乱猜~

对你说的话。坦诚自己的失败

考完试后的第一篇entry就是想对某个人说：

“之前有你的世界，我看见的就只有怕；没有你的世界后，我看见的是光明是彩虹。其实，你的出现让我觉得人的品行很重要，环境证据比人的供词更为重要。真的很谢谢你。

没有你，我不会跌到。没有你，我不会成长。没有你，我不会知道什么是残忍。没有你，我不会知道原来我卸下了保护层。同时，没有你，我不会有机会体会和承受那个痛。痛策心扉，我明了。

只想说：有你不怎么样，没有你后更不怎么样。你只不过是我生命里再普通不过的陌生人，一位生命里的过客。谢谢你！

因为你，我学会爱。因为你，我看见希望。因为你，我了解什么是虚伪。也因为你，我遇见更多更好更优秀的人。因为如此，我活得更好。

除了谢谢你，我还得更谢谢自己给机会伤害自己，因为在伤害自己的同时，也给自己一次成长的机会。”

总觉得，人嘛，总需要在失败中学习。
失败其实并不可耻，跌倒其实并不可怕。
“失败乃成功之母” 我很赞同。
没有失败，就不会有更优秀的自己。
只要懂得从错误中学习，什么困难都不是困难。
跌倒了，就得懂得爬起来，起来后，拍拍受伤的地方，看看留下的疤痕，收拾心情，继续未完的路。
再来耸耸肩，仰头一望蔚蓝的蓝天，你就会发现世界其实还是很美丽，世界不会因为你小小的过失而添加黑色素。
一次的失败，不小心的绊倒，并不代表永远的失败。
勇于坦诚自己的过失，坦然面对失败后的后果，人生才不会白过。
养成小强打不死的精神。失败了，再开始过。希望总在。

当你可以坦荡荡的畅说你的失败时，你就会有机会说：
“我就是失败过，怎样？至少我又学了一样新事件，我的经历榜上又添多了一项。你呢？”

爱情的领悟

人的一生里难免会碰到不少的挫折，免不了会跌跌撞撞。也许今天的你拌了一脚，明天跌了一跤，后天一个四脚，再来一个朝天。乍看之下，不幸的事似乎不断地围绕在我们的生活点滴里，不曾离去。但，既然不幸的事是免不了会发生，那就既来之，则安之，唯有将失败的几率减到最少，领悟其失败中的意义，让自己的生活不再黑暗里度过。告诉自己，相信每一次的失败，都能造就一个更好的自己。锻炼自己，提醒自己：正面解答，逆向思考。只要肯换个方向思考，人对眼前的事情必定有另一番的解读。凡事往好的方面细考，人自然会轻松很多，自然不执著。
‘正面解答 逆向思考’ 这是一句很有用的一句话。。

结合身边的例子，最让人执著的失败，也逃不过是感情事。恋人往往执著于自己付出地多少，给的够不够，做的够不够好等等的事，为的是什么呢？也只不过是希望身边的他能永远待在身旁，给与自己向往的爱情。人，有付出，就会希望有回报，自然的，付出的一方就会盼望对方会给回相对的付出。这样的相处方式，不累吗？
试想想，左算右算，计较这个计较那个的爱情，是一段可以经得起考验的爱情吗？是一段可以持续到老的爱情吗？非也，至少对我而言，这样的爱情，我宁可不要。我要的，是一段可以互相扶持到老的爱情，真心真意，一个可以让我依靠但不迷失自己，一个不介意他是否比我付出得多的男人。。。

无可否认，世上仍有些人，是不会将爱情里的付出与回报看得那么重，他们往往是一群不起眼的人，只希望对自己爱的人付出，真心的付出不要求其回报，看到爱的人开心，他们就开心，单纯的一个想发那就是对自己爱的人给与自己可以付出的感情，以行动证明自己的忠诚。这样的爱情忠诚者，虽然有时会是一些很木纳的人，但这样的爱情，不是正是我们向往的吗？虽然说很多事，并不如我们想象中简单，也许这群人会被人嘲笑是一个笨蛋，盲目的为对方，必定是心怀不轨，假惺惺等等之类的中伤；但，我相信，在这要求双赢，利益当首的世界里，仍然还有一部分的他们是怀抱着一颗赤子之心，只求对得起自己，对得起别人，爱自己要想要爱的人，誓死保护心里的他，不把付出与回报看得那么重的人。我相信，复杂的世界里，仍有着简单的人。

在爱情里兜兜转转，跌跌撞撞的，时而欢笑时而哭泣，但，我觉得自己失去的并不比得到的来得多。虽然，跌倒后总有股冲动想回到原点，但，这并不意味着我想重得已逝的感情，只是想重新评估自己，想停下脚步，回头看看过去的我以及现在的我，到底有怎样的改变。理智点，自己是清楚知道的，过去的，就回不了头，失去的就该让它随风而去。失败后，停下脚步，看看自己的得与失，才是最关键。

就算心里还是很怀念曾经的某个他（注：我并不是说自己，放下了就是放下了，别误会），有些事真的需要清楚地提醒自己，爱一个人，并不代表一定要拥有他，把它藏在最心底，无论在那里，把它给牵挂着，不好吗？至高无上的爱情就是肯舍弃，明知不能在一起，但不强求，将对方放在心底，衷心的祝福他。很多事是勉强不来的，倒不如用宽宏的心祝福他可以找到他想得到的幸福，这样不是更好吗？虽然不能一起快乐，但，至少祝福他能遇见自己的幸福。

要知道，人生中就只有自己是最疼爱自己的人，若太过于执著于一样不能得到的东西，最后伤地最重的，依然是自己。许多事是不能强求的，有时，雾里看花总比赤裸裸的解剖来的更有魅力。懂得释放自己，对自己好好的，这样人生才不会白白的浪费掉。只要还活着，只要心存善念，只要拥抱希望，明天的日子会是美好的。要疼爱别人之前，第一点要做到的就是得学习怎样爱护自己。若自己对自己没安全感，没信心的话，那又怎样给你爱的人一个可以被依靠的感觉呢？若继续颓废下去，自己的人生又会是怎样的呢？

跌倒了，要懂得爬起来，继续未完成的路。没有谁能左右你生活里的进度，就只有你自己。

谢谢你

我真得很谢谢你
因为你让我发觉我是多么的可悲
也深深的自责自己所作的决定
我竟然可以如此的心甘情愿
什么也不管的把头栽进自己选择的温柔陷阱里
我不会怪你
因为是我的选择我的决定
我会负责

除此之外
我也很谢谢你
因为这事也让我发现
我竟然可以爱一个人爱到那么不能自己
体会一种从来没有的坚持和等待
以及盲目的相信一个人
原来
我对恋人的爱可以那么得无法自拔

真得很谢谢这次的经验
若没有这次的伤感体验
我决不会学习到那么多的事
决不会再次地体会
那种再次被蒙在鼓里以及再次惨遭背叛的滋味
也绝不会深深的体会到
原来恋爱里的女人
真得可以那么的盲目相信身边的他

也得谢谢彼此的分手
因为它让我发觉
我竟然可以如此地残忍
残忍的将自己折磨得多么久
同时也让我发现
原来我可以接受我爱的人的一切真与假
盲目的接受和懵然的迁就

另外
也让我深深体会什么是假惺惺和没有分寸
原来年龄与心智的成熟度真得不能联系在一起
无论嘴巴怎样的述说自己对爱情的忠诚
向往怎样的恋情
盼望恋人的一心一意真诚
事实上却是另一回事

再次的
谢谢你！
也很庆幸做出的那个决定
不然“他”的一生会被我连累
导火线。。。
谢谢了

终于

看着他的档案
看着眼前的照片
原以为心仍旧会纠在一块儿
奇迹般的没发生

抿心自问：我放下了吗？怎么心不痛了呢？
脑袋回应：片段依在，但回忆确实是很难被抹去
行为反射：没有回避的看着他的照片

终于不再感觉到心痛了！
终于不再回避了！
终于不再故意忘记！
终于不再挣扎！
终于不再苦了自己！

放下了=）
终于！
好一个终于！

很开心

其实只想告诉你
真的希望你能过得好好的

做不成恋人，朋友会是一个好的选择，如果你愿意
不能在一起，但我希望你可以拥有你的幸福
至于一件事，我仍然在考虑应不应该给你知道

Let go

Let go of the past
Enjoy the present
Discover the potential treasure

No worries, I never meant to give up
No worries, need not to bargain with me (yeah, its you, Mr.R)
No worries, I never meant to distrust people anymore
No worries, my uniqueness are remained

Cheer up

Cheer up friend!!

The first step is indeed hard to make, but without the first appraoch, you will never reach to the final stage.

Initially there are 100 steps to reach to the final stage, if you never take any steps further, you will only stay at where you stopped, will never have any improvement. But, if you dare to move one step forward, there are only 99 steps remain from the final stages.

So, could you see the point? The more steps you take, the closer you are to your dreams.

Undeniable, there are a lot of difficulties and obstacles along the journey that might pop up without your notice, but, try not to be defeated by those. Accept these barriers, face them positively, and soon, you will see the rainbow after the raining days. Remember the words: 正面解答，逆向思考

I'm here for you, whenever you need a talk, anything want to update me, just drop me a message and I will listen to you just like what I did tonight.

God bless you. You are blessed. Good luck!

爱

看了网友的部落格，很赞同他的一句话：“说了夫妻两人相处之道，在于‘让’，而让的出发点在于爱，因为彼此相爱，所以需要让（不放忍让，因为忍是有限度的），爱可以包容一切彼此的缺点。”

我很赞同这一点。
因为爱他，就会接受他的一切一切，哪怕彼此的身份地位，学历背景，性格有多么大的差别。
因为爱他，所以就选择接受他一切的不完美。
因为爱他，绝不会连一点点的瑕疵都看不过去。
因为爱他，他的一切一切（不管是优点或缺点）都变得很动人优美。
因为爱他，所以就会毫无限度的包容。
因为爱他，就会很自然的与他慢慢妥协，慢慢等待。
因为爱他，所以你不会希望看到他受苦。
因为爱他，心里根本就不舍得让他为自己受苦。

就是因为爱，把一切的不可能都变得有可能。
就是因为爱。。。
有时候，不完美才是完美的，缺陷美。

放纵自己

陈大小姐学会放纵了！

别误会，我并不是放纵自己去堕落，去沉沦或是去毁灭。
哈哈~虽然有时我的想法是有点古怪啦， 例如放纵自己构思一套完美谋杀计划~
但，我还不至于傻到亲手将自己的前程摧毁。放心！
我虽然不漂亮，但我还有头脑！是时候更加的善用每一片脑细胞，好好的思考。瞢管它是否理智还是不理智，就是得让它们活动活动了！新学期到了，不能再沉睡。

学习放纵自己，就从每一次刻骨铭心的人生经验开始，从再一次的溃不成军的挫败下从众叛亲离的四面楚歌中开始
学会放纵自己，其实只想让自己有个机会去做一些曾经心里很想但又不敢去做的事情
选择放纵自己，只是为了塑造一个全新的自我，在不断的改变中寻到更多更多意想不到的快乐以及快感
会想放纵自己，其实是为了把握每一次的机会，让自己有更多的机会把世界看得更透彻一点
愿意放纵自己，是为了寻找一个更适合自己的生活方式，慢慢的探索，完美得将自己的情感世界升华以及做到人应该拥有的崇高不俗的人生境界！

在生活历程里（无论是人类或动物）我们都一直不断的学习，不断地被磨练，不断的进步，不断地面对不同的惊喜，惊吓，挫折，离别，背叛，考验，等等。。。也许，给自己一个放纵的机会，我们可能在渺茫的希望中看见一个意想不到的奇迹，皆因没有人会知道奇迹会几时出现。

有时候放纵自己别太过于理智是一件好事。。。。
有时候放纵自己的将自己捆在属于自己的小世界里也不见得是一件坏事。。。
有时候放纵自己就代表释放自己。。。
有时候，学会放纵自己反而会得到更多更多。。。

醒醒吧姐妹们！

原来爱让人变得勇敢，同时也让人变得脆弱。
恨则让人歇斯底里，忘了自己。
原来爱让人变得贪心，同时也让人变得吝啬。
恨则让人陷入漩涡，苦了自己。

很明显的，
爱与恨只不过是一线之差。
恋爱与失恋也只不过如此。

爱错了，却不舍得，
这到底是什么道理？

为什么要假装？
为什么要强颜欢笑？
为什么要配合？
千千万万个为什么，让人失去了方向。

为什么还依依不舍？
为什么就不能潇洒地释放自己？
为什么仍让别人操控自己？
遗失了自己，恨也因此默默的形成。

曾经相爱的人却变成最熟悉的陌生人，
爱让人幸福也让人憔悴。

当爱已不在的时候，
应该为自己而活，别让他成了你的中心点。

姐妹们，
醒醒吧！别累了自己，
让自己有一个全新的经历吧！
别再妄想你可以改变他什么，
好好的爱惜自己，别沉迷了！