lost in my own world

I din mean to write this post accordingly, they are random paragraphes, I just type out what in my mind.

I'm lost. I don know who am I actually. Everything seems so confusing, and out of my control.
I am the eldest in family. Since Standard 3, I tend to restrict myself not to do something that may against my parents' wishes. I restrict myself need to be a role model for siblings, so, I never really play joke with them or making fun with them. To them, I'm an arrogant, rigid, and super strict sister. They never dare to play with me, and I seldom smile with them even though they tell me some funny jokes. Besides, I restrict myself need to ask permission from parents when I want to go out with someone else so that my siblings will follow the same; I restrict myself have to do well in my studies so that my siblings will try their best in studies as well and parents would not need to worry on me; I restrict myself have to be reach home before 12am if I went out with friends; I restrict myself from not being naive and childish, so, I tend to do something and think things in more mature ways. And, I think, and what my friends told me, may be because of what my dad taught me when I was in childhood, I become more thoughtful than those who same age with me.

My parents put all of their hopes on me, they wish I may success in my future life, and thus, they invest alot of money into my studies. Because Im the eldest in the family and parents put most of the hopes on me, and thus they punish me more harder than my siblings relatively. I could feel the pressure, I know they want me to be tough so that they wont worry on me as much as my siblings. I need to be perfect , I know, and know how to protect myself. And because of this, I tend to keep what had happened in my life to myself, especially those negative events. I NEVER share it with anyone, even my parents. I just don want them to worry on me, I will settle the problems by self if I able to. I will only ask for help if I really cant solve it. May be because of this, I become so reserve and tend to be cool to others to protect myself. Frankly, I don really talk when home.

Parents saw me cried once at home. I cried because I cant stand anymore, I just burst out in front of them, really collapsed, they just kept shake their head and kept asked me why, why I will be like that, why don I share my problems with them, why want to push self to the limits, why want to repress self-feelings and so forth. I know I failed, parents are heart broken due to my stupid behaviors and they worry on me again. A failure.

I restrict myself from doing many things, I din mean to blame on anyone, this is my choice, I have to responsible on them. And, all these while, I don think it would be a problem in my life and I happy with that.

But, its indeed a problem now. I become so reserve from others, I din really share my thoughts with anyone. Personally, I do not like to talk much actually, and thus, people complained I'm TOO cool and TOO cold. When my friends asked hows my life, I used to reply them I'm ok, ntg special happened, simply answer them something and brings in some other topics into the conversations. Even my parents, I din really share my thoughts with them, and never tell them what difficulties I facing even when they ask me.

I thought the way I restrict myself wouldnt be a problem instead will help me, but, its indeed contained various side effects, as in, I become humor-less, cold, cool, serious, and don know how to express my feelings. I do not like to talk, I prefer to write; I do not like to share, I prefer to reserve them for self; I do not like to tell ppl what I worry on, I prefer to solve it by myself.

The way I restrict myself cause my life become so meaningless and my behaviors reinforced my parents to restrict my social life. As the days passed by and I grown, I realise my social circle really small, I have missed out many things. I want my own freedom. I want to go out anytime as I like, I want to have a close relationship with my friends, I want to increase my social life. But, on the other hand, I don want to break my parents' heart. Dillemma. What can I do? I just want my life back.

Recently I really like whatever, everything seems so whatever to me, regardless its urgent or casual, everything just seems no point to me, I just don give a damn to them. The situation becomes worse, my situation getting worse. I'm sick, I think. Exhausted with myself? May be.

Participated in an experiment at college last week, the experimenters showed us some comedy video clips. Every participants laugh out loud when watched it, but, I DO NOT LAUGH AT ALL. The experimenter is my friend, he asked me "huh? you don think it is funny?" after the experiment over. This question made me think of, am I really that abnormal? Am I really that cool and cold? Am I really that humor-less? Am I........ Recall back, when people watch 'Mr.Bean', they will laugh for sure, but to me, frankly, I NEVER laugh whenever I watch it. What in my mind was "What so funny? It's so crap.." Even cartoons or animations, I NEVER laugh at all! Believe it anot? People tend to say I got no childhood. Is there something wrong with me? Side effects of repressing myself from enjoying life? Psychological imbalance?

SEDDENLY FEEL THAT, I'M LOST IN MY OWN WORLD... ><