nobody

Im nobody to you
I sense this
But
Why still drag me along these while?
Why behave like care me much and love me much?
Waiting for you seems like waiting for nobody
F-I-N-E
From now on, you are nobody to me.
Fooling myself again

“我”在哪里？

今天，驾着车子， 在学院附近绕了Nth次， 就只是为了找parking。。。
越是在原地绕，心情就越烦躁。。。
干脆点， 将车子停在路边。。。
深呼吸。。。 拿起身边的纸和笔。。。
将心里的矛盾一次过的写出来。。。
就这样，写者。。。 哭着。。。 烦着。。。

我到底怎么了?
我的目标变得不再清晰
我的世界变得很无所谓
我的脾气呢?
曾经的我到底在哪里？
原来
我变了。。。
看着眼前的镜子
我发觉我真的变了。。。
心态变了。。。
凡是尽力就好， 不再勉强自己
但，
这似乎不再是我自己。。。

最近
几乎都是托着疲惫的身躯作任何事
驾车。。。 读书。。。 做功课。。。 甚至于处事。。。
我到底怎么了！！！

我变得很坦白
变得很直接
我变得比以前还要沉默
变得很安静

似乎
没有谁能理解我的心情
我想倾诉
但
内心的我在作怪
选择将问题，将情绪往心里藏
我想哭泣
但
我要的肩膀不在身边

我常告诉想要了解我的人
我的喜好并不是那么好抓摸
其他女孩喜欢的并不代表我也会喜欢
在世人眼里
女孩应该会喜欢。。。
粉红色 婉转 帅 有钱 疯狂的追求者
但
对不起 我不是
请别把这些放在我身上
我不喜欢粉红色 而是紫色或深色
我不喜欢婉转 而是坦率直接
我不喜欢帅男人 而是可以依偎的男人 （在我字典里，没有样貌的‘帅’只有‘善用才华’的帅）
我不喜欢有钱的男人 你的钱买不了我的心
用一般的‘追女秘籍’在我身上
只会让你饱受钉子

有时候
我真得很对不起那些爱我的人 想保护我的人
但
很对不起
目前来说 我真的还没准备好
我害怕
我变得怕承诺
请原谅我
我真得很怕你给的承诺
同时更怕你要我给的承诺
我很怕又在次受伤害
同时我也更加得害怕伤害到你
我害怕我不能像你爱我一样的爱你
“对不起 谢谢”
是我唯一想要说的话
谢谢你对我的好
但
我真的不想浪费你们的时间

驾着车
突然感觉很惆怅
突然很想变的坏一点
怎么了？
我又似乎不知道自己是谁了

这几个月里
我真的不知到自己怎么了
你们眼前的我
看似很开心
但
真实地我
你们可懂麽？

我不懂得善用言语来表达我的心情
唯有透过字句
又或是将它藏在心底
我知道
这是我的问题
就当作我不想分享吧
我沉默
我无言
无所谓
我是我

喜欢驾车的感觉
在车里
我就是我
听着自己喜欢的曲子
手指 心跳 都跟随着音律而跳动
好自在
在车里
我活在自己的世界里
我可以无束缚的做自己喜欢的事
我可以静静的思考
唯独在车里
我就是我

没有人晓得
其实我很喜欢驾着车的速度
其实我喜欢单手驾车
其实我喜欢操控驾驶盘
其实我喜欢驾着车在路上恍
其实。。。。
我都喜欢。。

人生百态
美的 丑的 好的 坏的 真的 假的
都看进眼里
不做回应 不代表接受
提出疑问 不代表反对
你是你
他是他
我是我

“为什么你那么奇怪？”
“为什么你那么直接？”
“为什么你不觉得他帅？”
“为什么你不笑？”
“为什么。。。。。。。？”
别问我为什么
我不会也不懂得怎样回答你
我就是我

我承认是我有问题
我一直想证明给别人看
我是乖的
我是听话的
我是值得的
我是可以的
我是。。。
原来
我多么的不希望让别人看到我的弱点

这些年来
我尽我所能做到最好
我不随意得违背父母的意思
我 在控制我的思想 我的行为
似乎我为了他人而活
“我” 到底在哪里？

“哎哟，很忙，真地想跳楼”
朋友对我说
我知道她没那个意思
她只是开玩笑
“你想跳楼？我想撞车死掉”
我回答
很傻 我懂

我真的累了 真的累了
我真的想哭 为了自己而哭
我好想依靠在某人的肩膀
可惜他不在
我确实是在哭泣
为了我的所作所为哭泣 我的思想而哭泣
好悲哀

我好想找回我自己
“我”到底在哪里？

lost in my own world

I din mean to write this post accordingly, they are random paragraphes, I just type out what in my mind.

I'm lost. I don know who am I actually. Everything seems so confusing, and out of my control.
I am the eldest in family. Since Standard 3, I tend to restrict myself not to do something that may against my parents' wishes. I restrict myself need to be a role model for siblings, so, I never really play joke with them or making fun with them. To them, I'm an arrogant, rigid, and super strict sister. They never dare to play with me, and I seldom smile with them even though they tell me some funny jokes. Besides, I restrict myself need to ask permission from parents when I want to go out with someone else so that my siblings will follow the same; I restrict myself have to do well in my studies so that my siblings will try their best in studies as well and parents would not need to worry on me; I restrict myself have to be reach home before 12am if I went out with friends; I restrict myself from not being naive and childish, so, I tend to do something and think things in more mature ways. And, I think, and what my friends told me, may be because of what my dad taught me when I was in childhood, I become more thoughtful than those who same age with me.

My parents put all of their hopes on me, they wish I may success in my future life, and thus, they invest alot of money into my studies. Because Im the eldest in the family and parents put most of the hopes on me, and thus they punish me more harder than my siblings relatively. I could feel the pressure, I know they want me to be tough so that they wont worry on me as much as my siblings. I need to be perfect , I know, and know how to protect myself. And because of this, I tend to keep what had happened in my life to myself, especially those negative events. I NEVER share it with anyone, even my parents. I just don want them to worry on me, I will settle the problems by self if I able to. I will only ask for help if I really cant solve it. May be because of this, I become so reserve and tend to be cool to others to protect myself. Frankly, I don really talk when home.

Parents saw me cried once at home. I cried because I cant stand anymore, I just burst out in front of them, really collapsed, they just kept shake their head and kept asked me why, why I will be like that, why don I share my problems with them, why want to push self to the limits, why want to repress self-feelings and so forth. I know I failed, parents are heart broken due to my stupid behaviors and they worry on me again. A failure.

I restrict myself from doing many things, I din mean to blame on anyone, this is my choice, I have to responsible on them. And, all these while, I don think it would be a problem in my life and I happy with that.

But, its indeed a problem now. I become so reserve from others, I din really share my thoughts with anyone. Personally, I do not like to talk much actually, and thus, people complained I'm TOO cool and TOO cold. When my friends asked hows my life, I used to reply them I'm ok, ntg special happened, simply answer them something and brings in some other topics into the conversations. Even my parents, I din really share my thoughts with them, and never tell them what difficulties I facing even when they ask me.

I thought the way I restrict myself wouldnt be a problem instead will help me, but, its indeed contained various side effects, as in, I become humor-less, cold, cool, serious, and don know how to express my feelings. I do not like to talk, I prefer to write; I do not like to share, I prefer to reserve them for self; I do not like to tell ppl what I worry on, I prefer to solve it by myself.

The way I restrict myself cause my life become so meaningless and my behaviors reinforced my parents to restrict my social life. As the days passed by and I grown, I realise my social circle really small, I have missed out many things. I want my own freedom. I want to go out anytime as I like, I want to have a close relationship with my friends, I want to increase my social life. But, on the other hand, I don want to break my parents' heart. Dillemma. What can I do? I just want my life back.

Recently I really like whatever, everything seems so whatever to me, regardless its urgent or casual, everything just seems no point to me, I just don give a damn to them. The situation becomes worse, my situation getting worse. I'm sick, I think. Exhausted with myself? May be.

Participated in an experiment at college last week, the experimenters showed us some comedy video clips. Every participants laugh out loud when watched it, but, I DO NOT LAUGH AT ALL. The experimenter is my friend, he asked me "huh? you don think it is funny?" after the experiment over. This question made me think of, am I really that abnormal? Am I really that cool and cold? Am I really that humor-less? Am I........ Recall back, when people watch 'Mr.Bean', they will laugh for sure, but to me, frankly, I NEVER laugh whenever I watch it. What in my mind was "What so funny? It's so crap.." Even cartoons or animations, I NEVER laugh at all! Believe it anot? People tend to say I got no childhood. Is there something wrong with me? Side effects of repressing myself from enjoying life? Psychological imbalance?

SEDDENLY FEEL THAT, I'M LOST IN MY OWN WORLD... ><

What IF

Read my baby’s blog just now, and get amazed by her answer! Her answers are so funny yet so ‘real-life’. COOL!!!

On the other hand, I have different answers for some questions, and thus, I copy the questions and answered them in my own way (well, I had get the permission from my baby, she APPROVED, so, I am not plagiarized)

She called. Asked. Random questions.

(Q1) What if he knows you have got the right one now instead of him?
A1: Well, the condition is obvious enough, since he knows I got the right one now, so just leave me alone.
best friends?
(Q2) What if he treats you as good as other ？
A2: Ok, since there is no any differences, so, lets be friend instead of couples, fair enough!

(Q3) What if his best friend loves him like you do?
A3: I can’t control what his best friends probably will do on him, but he should knows the boundaries of friendship. I do not want to be a teacher to teach him how to settle this kind of condition step-by-step. Annoying. Please use his mind to think think think and -T-H-I-N-K!

(Q4) What if his academic performance not as good as yours?
A4: Academic performance isnt the thing I love on him, as long as he knows what is his strength and well-used on his own strengths, then will be good enough. Academic performance doesnt mean anything, his attitude towards life and me are the matter to me.

(Q5) What if he takes advantage of you?
Q5: If he really loves me, and I love him, I don really care if he takes advantage of me. I am willing to sacrifice for him. Want to take the advantage? Take la then.

(Q6) What if he promises or tells that he plans to get you something he can’t afford right now in the future?
A6: Well, I do not really trust with promises. Someone promised me a lot that he will do this and that and asked me to put trust on him, but in the end, turns up with broke up. As long as he really loves me, he can just prove it to me via his actions, not the promises. Promises are just nothing to me. Promises = “PRO-MISS” (professional in missing)

(Q7) What if he asks you to marry him now?
A7: If I really love him and he is the Mr. Right to me, why not? Let’s get married now. Come on baby! Well, after all, have to consider how he proposes and when he proposes, if not unique enough, please get off, if in the wrong timing, deserve the consequences then. LOL! Still dare to ask me to marry you?

(Q8) What if he follows what others advise him instead of taking your suggestions seriously?
A8: If this incident happened occasionally, it would not be a problem to me, perhaps my suggestions not acceptable. But, if this condition happens all the time, what for to ask for my suggestions, just ask others, that’s it! Do not take my suggestions seriously means that he does not respect me, follows what others advise him means he is a follower.

(Q9) What if he gets jealous seeing you with another best guy friend?
A9: Do not tell me jealous means care or love, that’s so ridiculous, a nonsense statement. I have my own social circle, and he is my best friend, what’s wrong if I interact with him? You can have your own best girl friends, but I can’t? What a reason! Unacceptable! If I have to stop from interacting with my males’ friend after being with him, okay, please go off, I’M NOT YOURS ANYMORE.

(Q10) What if he borrows money from you?
A10: It’s ok, depend on the amount and the reason he gives to me. If I think the reason is acceptable, then it wouldn't be a problem. But, after all, the decision is rely on the amount of trustworthy I had on him, still. If he does not have any bad record previously, it would not be a problem to borrow money from me.

(Q11) What if he apologizes with flowers as gift & sincerity?
A11: Okay, he would be totally disqualified. When in the honey-moon stage, he gives flowers; when want to apology, gives flowers too, so, where is the point? The flower represents nothing. And thus, flowers mean nothing to me, even though I am happy to receive flowers, but, I prefer to receive something more valuable and special if he wants to apology to me. Yet, be practical man!

(Q12) What if he kisses you in public?
A12: Depend on where, when, and why. Or else, deserve the consequences. Being the focus of the public represents romantic? Bullshit. If he does not have a valid reason on why he did so, what he probably will get are S-L-A-P-S!!!

(Q13) What if he doesn't love you anymore?
A13: Simple, if doesnt love me anymore, just end the relationship, no point to drag it. Be frank instead of being a ‘relationship-dragger'. Take out your gut and be F-R-A-N-K.

(Q14) What if he gambles?
A14: If he gambles during the festival time or occasionally for fun, it’s ok to me. If he is a full-time gambler, it’s okay, married someone else.

(Q15) What if he asks for cohabitation?
A15: No way, as Jocey said, according to Interactive Psych, the probabilities of end up a relationship among cohabitating couples are high. So, no way, I don want to risk my own marriage. Well, guai guai, lets get 'cohabitate' after we married then. LOL~

(Q16)What if he's of another race?
A16: So? What’s wrong with that? No racism. But, sorry, I can’t accept though.

(Q17) What if he's of another religion?
A17: Erm... no comment, i don think this issue would be an issue.

(Q18) What if he runs illegal business?
A18: Hmmm, I recognized this question, Jocey asked me before when she was in my car. I had forgotten what I asked her. Well, possibly I will leave him regardless I know it before or after in the relationship, I just can’t accept this happen.

(Q19) What if he proposes to you in public with a huge diamond ring?
A19: I said I hate to be the attention of others in the public!!! The social pressure is strong, so, do not ever expect I will accept the propose in the public. I will just walk away and leave him alone there. This is not romantic.

(Q20) What if he's moving over to another country (e.g. S'pore) as required by working condition?
A20: If we are not yet married, I will agree he moves over to another country to further his career path into more advanced. If we are married, but do not have child yet, I will still make the same decision, move for your good and same to the family. But, if we are married, and we have children, come on, let’s pray together.

(Q21) What if he insists to stay with his parents even though you both get married?
A21: No comments. It’s totally fine to me regardless live with his parents or only 2-peoples-world. Both are accpetable.

(Q22) What if he wants kids but you don't?
A22: Well, I like kids, and thought of want to give birth to 2 kids. But, since the day I watched the child-birth video clip on YOU-TUBE, they’re really freak me off, and thus, it become a phobia to me. I’m still considering if want to have own kids in future.

(Q23) What if he buys a house (single/double storey... whatever) for marriage with 3 rooms only?
A23: So far so good, he may buys house with 3 rooms for marriage for the first few years, one as the study or working room, one as master room, and one as his back-up room. LOL. But, frankly, 3 rooms wouldn’t be enough for a family, what about my kids? Where they supposed to sleep and study? AT LEAST need 4 rooms – one is master room, one as his back-up room, one as working room and another one for kid’s room. Well, seriously, it's doesnt matter how big size the house is, as long as we stay in comfortably and happy, then it would be more than enough d.

(Q24) What if he's announced bankcrupt after marriage?
A24: Won’t leave him for sure. Money doesn’t mean the intensity of our marriage, so, bankcrupt only wat, accept it then since it’s happened. No point to ask for divorce, or argue on it. That’s call S-T-U-P-I-D if the couple do so.