The only stranger that I willing to share my personal problem is her. There is already one month gap in between the last session and the current session, however, still, I glad that I met with her today. Finally~ =) Well, The purpose of participate in this counseling sessions not longer because of the bonus marks that I may gain for my course, but the opportunity for me to talk to someone that could confront me and be a facilitator who gives me a hand to go deep into my thoughts and face with those feelings that I got no courage to face off all these while. Thanks her~
Attended to counseling session. Its time for me to report to her what I had did in the one month gap regarding on the progress of the 'homework' and what kind of outcome I got from it. Unfortunately, the outcome of the task wasnt as success as we thought, its the-other-way-round, in fact. Sad~
We touch on the same issue today. We talk, we share, we think, we laugh.
She much more concerned on my feelings today. Whatever questions she asked, I answered "Nope, just feel neutral. Its already happened, then accepted lo". Feel unusual, but I covered this feel with smile. I guess she noticed it.
She told me something:
- "You appeared as a happy-goes-lucky girl in front of the public; a girl that appeared soft when dealing with people, in fact, there are many struggles within yourself and you actually kinda stubborn and rebellious in some issues, but you covered them perfectly until noone notice it. "
- "Perhaps, due to various reasons - you are the eldest in the family, you brought up in a traditional Chinese culture, your characteristic, your intention to be independent among siblings - you rather choose to keep all the problems to self than seek helps from others. Thus, from time to time, you had used to deal with your personal issues and conflicts alone, and thats why why you always appeared alone in those 4 dreams. "
- "Do you still remember there is a sentence that you repeated for times in the last session - I wonder to know why I appeared alone in all 4 dreams? "
- "You see this situation as helpless, so, you just accept everything that happened, you try hard not to touch on the topic that might trigger up another arguement once again with him, you rather choose to walk away from the issue than face it, as what I see from you right now. "
- "As in now, even when you talk something to me, regardless how terrible was the incident, your emotion remain the same, neutral and flat enough. "
- "I am kinda worried on you, allowed me to illustrate you as a rubber-loop, a rubber-loop that both ends being holded and pulled by two authority figures."
- "I'm worried of the consequences actually. As you know, the more the person repress the feelings or emotions, the worse the consequences. That time, you are not only hurting both of them, even hurting yourself at the same time. You get what I mean? I'm hope you could try to take-one-step out to express your real emotion. Dont pressured yourself, I'm really worry of you, Rachel"
The smile on my face remained, neutral emotion.
She:"Do you have any channel that you could express your emotions?"
Me: "Yes, of coz, blogging, listen to music and sleep"
She:"O, not bad though"
Me: "Ya, not bad. But I got another unhealthy behavior that I could channel my emotion perfectly. I like to speed. Whenver I get into my car, I'm change, as if I am another Rachel that people knew. You know what? I did someting crazy in others eye this morning. I cut the Q without put on the signal. And the way I cut the Q is not acceptable and kinda dangerous, in fact. Normally, each lane for each car, right? What I did in this morning was 2 lanes for 3 cars, I was in the middle. Its so damn excited."
When I describing this, my emotion remain neutral even though I said"its so damn excited"
She shocked, and double confirm with what she comment on me:"the Rachel you show to others isnt the real Rachel，I hope you could just express whatever emotion you have at any moment, face to your emotion instead of repress them and to be neutral"
She assigned some tasks to me..
Counseling session ended...