Working

The day before I went to work at puchong.

I was worked as Celcom Promoter at Giant Puchong Puteri from 20th to 28th December.

-Pic taken when I am waiting for hubby to pick me up in the early morning. He is overslept that day. gek sei! -

Blue

Alone in the corner at Starbucks, Leisure Mall...
Ordered a cup of Jawa Chips, the only drink I like here..

Sitting under the air-conditioner, I am freezing~

Never think of move to another warmer place because I like the coldness, it is so much similar to my coldness..

Reading articles and researching useful files...

Thinking of how to continue on my thesis that make me feel dreadful...

Observing the passengers on the streets through the glasses beside me...
Counting the amount of passed-by vehicles...
Staring at the blue sky and started to day-dream...

Raining...
Blueness emotions getting stronger...
Don't feel like want to talk nor share verbally...
I think I almost be freeze by the air-cond here, but I am insist to refuse to move...
Because this location is the most private and most strategic..

I am missing someone now...
I wish this someone could be by my side...
Well, dreaming...
Blue-ing...

Sunny day after the rain..
But my feelings remain blue...
It would be so much better if I got freeze and my brain stop functioning...

Feeling blue~

Happy Birthday to ME!

-3rd round-

And today, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY (29/10)!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!

First of all, have to thank to my lovely friends who sent messages and called me to greet my big day of life today. Thanks you guys, so sweet! Muacks! And those who leave messages in my mail, my friendster, and here, thanks to you guys too! It's a wonderful thing when got the greets from you guys.

At noon, Mr. B (inconvenient to reveal his identity here) came over to college and had birthday lunch with me at secret recipe. Thanks Mr.B. And thanks to the present and the letter too. =) Well, I hope youe life wil get smoother day after day. Blessing you =)

Present - necklace from HOJB by Mr. B

At night, went out with Alvin. We have the dinner at an Italian + France food restaurant (very paiseh, I have forgotten the restaurant's name). The environment in the restaurant is very romantic! It would be a best place to propose!! Hehehe! Not bad! Regards to the food, not bad actually, especially the birthday dessert, super delicious!!! Yummy =p The taste of the dessert is indeed unforgetable. I will upload the photos later on after I get it from Alvin, may be tomorrow.

What made me feel happy not merely have my birthday dinner with Alvin, but what he had prepared for me.

Once reach the restaurant, we are seated and served. We chat and enjoy our red wine while waiting for another dishes be served. After we have finished all of the main dishes, suddenly the waiter passed a bouquet of lily to Alvin and eventually Alvin gave it to me and greet me Happy Birthday again. Once I accept the lily, customers at another table clap their hand, and so to the waiters. Ar..... I felt very paiseh at that moment, and immediately, I blush, just a milisecond, my face turn into red color as if a tomato. Gosh! But I am happy, coz its really unexpected. Then, there was another thing passed to Alvin, and this time was a box and a little snoopy on the top. Similar to the first time, Alvin passed it to me. Okay, again, I blushed. After checked on it, I found there was a 250GB external hard disc inside th box. Alright, I thought it was the end, but the surprise never ended. Few minutes later, one of the waiter served me the birthday dessert which got ice cream and hot chocolate cream and cake, and sang the Happy Birthday song to me while serving me. And at this time, Alvin sang along too. So sweet and very SURPRISE. I got shocked and kept on laughing and smiling. After we finished all the dessert and he paid the bill, we ciao.

Alvin drank quite a lot of wine just now, so he asked me to take a bottle of water at the bonnet while he wanted to rest awhile at seat. Right after I opened the bonnet, another surprise!! There was a box in the middle of the bonnet, and anoter two little thing beside it. I got shocked and stunned for a minute. I felt happy actually. I thought there will no any surprise anymore from him after the restaurant, but it wasn't in fact. It's really unexpected and really surrise. A bit touch =) There is a big snoopy in a box, and a limited edition of Disney MP3 player was tide on its neck. Once I got thte MP3 player, I almost going crazy as I hardly find it in KL, but he able to make it just in a day of time. Thanks Alvin =) Muacks!!!

First present from Alvin: A bouquet of Lily

Second present from Alvin: A little cute snoopy >.<

Third present from Alvin: 250GB external hard disc

Fourth present from Alvin: A big snoopy

Fifth present from Alvin: Disney MP3 player

I feel happy tonight. It's really hard to touch me, but Alvin somehow did it tonight. =) And, I have an unforgettable birthday memory. Muacks! Thanks again.

Celebration

2nd round!

Thanks for Stephen Yee for celebrate my birthday, and count-down with me.

Thanks a lot ya. Muacks!

Singing Man!!

Can you heard what Alan talked in the clip? He said:"coulld you please don't video-taped? take photo enough la. ji-dan-gao (the egg-cake; in chinese 鸡蛋糕)"

Kent is singing 李玖哲“我会好好过”. See how much he enjoying being video-taped. hahahah! Gotcha!

Early Birthday Celebration

Today my primary-schoolmates and friends were celebrate my birthday with me, hoooo, so sweet! >.<>

First picture: From left: Poh Choo, Mandy, Me, Kent, Alan, Victor

Second picture: Me and Alan, the organizer of my early-birthday celebration.

Here are some of the pictures that we took yesterday.

Have Fun!!!

Once again, THANK YOU GUYS!!
Muacks!

Consequence of over-dependent

Disaster! I never imagine this kind of situation would happen on me. Damn!

The pen-drive was used at this minute to save my assignment so that I could print it later at IT department and submit it. But, all the files inside the pen-drive gone just like that when I want to use it again just few minutes later.
"What the hell is going?" "Must be kidding!" "It's not right, I must be hallucinating" I couldn't believe what was happened, it's really hard for me to accept the fact of losing all the data in my pen-drive.
I got no idea, I am lost. Then, send message to friends immediately to seek for helps and call them. But there is no solution from them.
No-way to retrieve the data that had lost, and due to time constraint, have to proceed to the office. Thought to explain this accident to lecture, but she was not in but the graduate tutor. Luckily tutor allowed me to re-submit my assignment. Thanks God.

Nothing in my mind, but the "WHY" questions keep on flashing in my mind, and the tears droped eventually.
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am heartache and worries on my forever-lost documents (I didn't save a copy in my laptop), some of them were very important to me, as in those past researches and my experiment materials too! And, my half-done Thesis. These have no copies in my laptop! >.<''
I have to admit that I am very dependent on my pen-drive, because it is small enough and easy for me to carry it to wherever I go. I ever thought it is the most reliable electrical device for me to save everything that is important to me. But now, it is not longer the fact, I shouldn't dependent on any electrical device anymore and should have more copies on the important documents.

It's already a fact. And the only thing I can do now is catch the time and prepare my experiment materials and search on those related past-researches again.
Learned from the mistake and I FEEL THE PAIN, INDEED.

What a Bad Day. Deng ar!!!!

Money

Check on my mail box just now and found this interesting mail:
Meaningful but a bit funny at last.
hahaha.

Money
钱

It can buy a HOUSE but not a HOME
可以用来买房子 但是不能买一个家

It can buy a BED but not a SLEEP
可以用来床 但是不能买睡眠

It can buy a CLOCK but not TIME
可以用来买时钟 但是不能买时间

It can buy you a BOOK but not KNOWLEDGE
可以用来买书 但是不能买到知识

It can buy you a POSITION but not RESPECT
可以用来买职位 但是不能买到尊严

It can buy you a MEDICINE but not HEALTH
可以用来买药 但是不能买到健康

It can buy you BLOOD but not LIFE
可以用来买血 但是不能买回生命

It can buy you SEX but not LOVE
可以用来买性行为 但是不能买到真爱

So, you see money isn't everything. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering...
所以，现在你知道钱并不是万能的。我之所以告诉你这些道理，是因为我是你真正的朋友，而身为你的朋友，我想要帮助你消除痛苦，免除你所受的折磨

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you
所以把你的钱都寄来吧！我决定替你承受这一切的痛苦

A true friend like me, you will never find
你再也不会找到任何一个比我更真心的朋友了

CASH ONLY PLEASE
我只收现金，谢谢！

-Take a break, relax la!-

Something I wish my man can do for me

While I'm still working on my assignment, suddenly thought of list down what I wish my man of my life can do for me:

1. Be there for me whenever I need him, even when I need someone to nag on those minor problem in my daily life.
2. Bear with my uncertainties, my unexpected behavior and my coldness without blames.
3. Sit besides me silently when I am crying, without suggest me any solution even after I stop cry until I request for the solution.
4. Accept who am I and give me the unconditional love.
5. Provide me anything that I need in my life upon his abilities, of course.
6. Bear with my temper and pamper me no matter how terrible the situation is.
7. Be my superman and 'superman'.
8. To be continue...

I..MISS..YOU

I never tell you how much you meant to me, here we go...

Missing pieces of my heart found the right fits from you,
Iceberg melted by the passion only from you,
Self-protection system deactivated since the day met with you,
Silly characteristics occur once again because of you.

You meant a lot to me,
Obvious changes that you could seen on me,
Unbreakable bounding link between you and me.

...

- I FOUND YOU -

muacks

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

GOTCHA!!!!

I found the sweetest baby in my life

.

.

.

LEAVE ME ALONE

The same problem occur again and again, regardless of what the trigger is.
The same explanation had been given over and over again, I feel exhausted with it.
The same question had been raised up again and again, I wonder when it would be ended.

What is going on?
Damn it.
I am so SICK of it, honestly.
Disappoitment occured.

Please, LEAVE ME ALONE

一首歌

Jerry-《一半》

一直等　一个人　等了很久

这一场　独角戏　是很寂寞

春夏秋冬　我的窗口　只有风经过

爱很深　有多深　我也不懂

你走后　我的心　变的脆弱

听一首歌　也觉得痛　

但我谁也没有说

右边的座位　右边的枕头 都已经空了那麼久

为你守候　那是因为　我已经看透

没有你的爱　这个我 只是一半

不哭了　不笑了 为谁努力 我也不明白

没有人能取代　一个圆的另一半

我固执　的等待 等风再把你带回来

原来 我想你

— 原来 我想念你 —

原来 你的影子在我脑里 挥之不去
原来 你的名字在我心里 留下烙印
原来 你的出现给我生活 带来变化
原来
你有如此大的魅力

原来 对昔日的懵懂 我仍深深自责
原来 对昔日的错过 我仍耿耿于怀
原来 对昔日的爱恋 我仍偷偷怀念
原来
我不曾放下过

原来 没有人能让我向对你一样的 付出真心
原来 没有人能让我向对你一样的 把心敞开
原来 没有人能让我向对你一样的 许下承诺
原来
神秘紫色 我是如此的眷恋

原来 你占据了我整颗心
原来 我中了不能被磨灭的毒
原来 我不能记得忘记
原来
“后悔”是这么写的

只可惜 你我已经擦肩而过了
很可惜 我没有勇气问你一句
原来
错过的 是我最想要的

— 原来 我把心上锁了，钥匙被我弄断了—

Well-kept

No matter how far I go
No matter how long the distances are
No matter how the world had changed
No matter how the sad torn me apart
No matter how....

There is something that I had well-kept all these while..

"You're always in my mind, the unique one, the irreplaceable one, and the impressed one"

That's Why - MLTR

Title: Michael Learns To Rock - That's Why (You Go Away)

Baby want you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

* CHORUS *

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away

I know You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

* REPEAT CHORUS *

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There is so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

After my lappy reformat, all my songs were gone, thus, its been a long time I didn't listen to my favorite songs.
That day, when I attended to my cousin's wedding dinner, there are a lot of my favorite songs were played in the ball room, That's Why by MLTR is one of the song that played on that day.
I feel touched and familiar. I'm get touched by the lyrics of songs easily, but not to the things that people does.

=( I want songs...

NEW Spec

-Hohoho, I changed my spec finally-

When I am with this new brought spec, there are various comments:

Huang lian gong: (stunned) "You look fierce"

Daddy: "Teacher-look"

Dear (even worse): "You look like auntie when with this spec!!"

Mommy: "Normal lo~"

Bla-ing about ME

Finally, I am up here and leave some words in my long-ignored blog.
(hmmm, feel sorry to it tim.. If I apologize to my blog, would it be noticed? hahaha, gila syok!)

Ever since I disappear in the past few months, I learned and changed. Either good or bad, it is mostly depend on how you judge. But to me, I feel pleasant with these changes.

As I know, the only way to help myself to feel more comfortable and treat myself genuinely is to stand still on my points and do something without consider on others' expectation on me. And, in order to build up a healthy relationship and a stable foundation, I had realize what I need is to be somewhat selfish and to be less considerate. Sounds bad right? But, this was what I learned from the past, I need to be like this, it is a prevention for me from repeat my faults. Honestly, these kind of confrontation were indeed hard to me especially when it comes to the circumstances where I need to deal with the special one. The unpleasant tendency of trying to please and be dependent are the most challenges to me.

I had been struggled a lot to reach my desirable destiny, to me, it is a huge step. Along the journey, I fell into the depressive mode repeatedly; throughout the years, the process of self-identity-seeking never stopped.

From time to time, I dreamt of this day, and now, I am proud of myself where I am heading to my freedom destiny! Yahoo! The efforts that I invested in the past successfully shaped me a better tomorrow, applause for myself. =p And now, I know who I am, and I would never feel sad on myself and never feel shame and lost in the journey of self-seeking, because, its a path that we need to go through at least once in our life.

Day after day, I'm become more comfortable with myself especially when I need to deal with someone special to me. Am I controlling? I don think so (may be I am, but I have no intention to be like that). Am I unpredictable? May be I am, I never enjoy that way where people could predict what I going to do next. I know how to invest my feeling bit and bit into a relationship, and I know what kind of relationship I am looking for.

I enjoy being myself now! I found myself!

-end-

Back

It's been a long time I didn't update any entry here.
Alright... Alright... I knew I had disappeared for a looooong time (hmmm, almost a month, wao~), and had blocked the only channel of some of you guys to update yourself regard the latest news of mine indirectly. Haha, paiseh~ >.<

Suddenly, feel like want to leave some clues here, for the sake of track, if you interested with my life lar~ (may be is you, you, you, or you, =p)

Folks, need not to curious about my missing in MSN and here. Its just merely because of lacking motivation to update my news here. The passion to blog, to online for chatting, seems like far away from me in the past few weeks. Weird, isn't it? Hmmm, does this means I am getting older? Hahaha, alright, crapping here =p =cold=*

Hey friends, no worries if you not able to reach me ya. Since past few weeks of time, I fell in love with silence, and thus, my phone was in silent and mute mode always. I just wont be noticed there is a call or message until I move my sight towards the phone that I left on piano purposely.

You know what, now only I realize, the silence I had yesterday was a gift from God in which He wants me to drown and to explore more about myself before heading to the next stages of my life. The silence wasn't those kind of horrible silent that lack of accompanies from others, but it was as if a force which brought me to the peace and refreshment. Feel recharged! And now, I am ready for everything and I know what I need in the near future!

Lastly, folks, no worries on me, I am ok here, perfectly fine. Missing only, still alive. hahahah~

记忆

"We are one"

"I want to grow old with you"

"Close"

"我可以"

这几首歌让我会想起给他做得powerpoint slides

记忆再次侵袭

首次让我有想婚的冲动的他

最近不断地出现在脑海里
曾经的一切一切
一幕一幕的在脑里重演
纳闷 倔强 不解
搞什么鬼啦！！！

完整的一面镜子

被逼得亲手将它给砸碎

不舍 破镜重圆

依然敌不过事实

重圆后仍得再次砸碎

彼此的心情严重被影响
无奈问青天

“问什么要让我们相遇相爱但不能相守”

分手再分手的期间
确实闹得有些不愉快

爱着但逼地不得不放手

这种打击 经历过的人会懂

彼此的深爱却惨遭家人的反对与不祝福

不解为什么芝麻般的小事会变成彼此的阻碍

怨恨过 伤感过 迷茫过

生不如死过

曾经我真的以为
他不会在我心中留下点点的记忆

心中决不会给他留点位子

曾经我真的以为

我会很怨恨他 不想再见到他

然而

事实并非如此

他其实早已在我心中扎了根

只是我视而不见

自我反省的日子里

往日与他的记忆

有如课本被一页一页的翻开
每页里的思绪又再一次的在心中澎湃一遍

我明白
毕竟他曾是我真的豁出去深爱过的人
无论经过多少时间的磨砺
昔日的一切点滴
就像酒的沉淀物
一直藏在心田里
越久越浓郁 越久越香醇
干涩 苦甜 香浓
尽管嘴里尝的都是五味杂全
但经由心底酝酿后
出来的感觉总会是甜丝丝的

此刻的我
脑海里出现的是
那年他为我庆祝生日的一切
匆匆忙忙的吃晚餐
饭后到皇后公园谈心
亲手做的提拉米苏
恶作剧的蜡烛
他唱的生日歌
我最爱的蓝玫瑰
大男人的他 肯为了我准备这一切
这回忆
无论经过多少岁月
都不会被磨灭

曾经是有机会再续前缘

可是我拒绝

我知道破镜一旦再重圆

期望一定比以前高

若别人口中以及他在意的事成事实的话

埋怨 责备 抛弃 会是活该

再说 那时的我 很抱歉 我不想回首

可以说我残忍 也可以说我自私
无论心中有多挣扎

我真地不想再次地走回头

我宁愿把机会让给别人

如今

我想起他 我忆起他 我念着他
无奈无论心中的记忆有多折腾

也决不告诉他

只愿他的愿望能事成

以他的能力 他的实力 他的冲劲
他定能成为一位成功的生意人

老顽童 vs. 小顽童

前几天我家的小妹被我家的老顽童惩罚。。。

为什么呢？

不就是因为小妹 （小顽童）玩得太疯狂了（例如驳嘴），老爸就来一招以牙还牙且让你难堪的方式来惩罚。其实并不是什么招数，但就惹得全家爆肚大笑。那为什么说要让她难堪呢？就是因为妹妹有明星梦，所以老爸说非录下来不可，爱开玩笑但又不懂得尊重，就给她来个惩罚。

听清楚她说什么了吗？她说的是：“对不起，我是神经病”

A word

To you who are reading this entry:
致读着的你：

If you are allowed to use a word to describe me, what word would you use?
如果你只允许用一词句形容我，那会是什么字呢？

You may reply it in the comment.
你可以再comment里回答。

There is no right and wrong answer, I am just wanna to know what you think on me or who am I in your eye =)
放心，这没有对或错的答案，我只想知道在你心目中的我是个怎样的人。=)

T-H-I-N-K

As I mentioned in the previous blog (unfortunately it was in Chinese version)
I don't feel like talk recently
Don't wanna to meet anyone

I prefer to be silent in these few weeks
I want to remain silent
I want to be alone
I don't want any social interaction

These few weeks are my self-evaluation period
Its the time to think and T-H-I-N-K

Again

Drank wine in the early morning without consume any food again

Enjoy the taste of wine

Love the smell of wine

Silent again

Self-protection activated

逃避。过去

这几天 其实
不是那么地想开口说话
无奈没人懂
更无奈的是 我根本不想说

这几天 其实
不想见任何人
与世界隔绝
再次宁听心中的呐喊

感觉想逃避
逃什么 不知道
避什么 我不懂
只想
静静的一个人
拥抱自己的寂静

对自己严苛 不完美中的要求完美
对他人冷漠 静观其变化
爱恨的分明 考验中的领悟
欣然的接受人与人之间的不同
相信无声胜有声 接受胜过一切
无奈换来的是误解

心中的无奈
心中的煎熬
心中的焦虑
心中的自己
无人知晓
只怪
自己隔绝一切

过去的曾经 沉淀在心中
过去的不堪 隐藏在心底
过去的过去 失去的失去

迷惘再现
忧郁再袭

心 被掏空
灵 被放纵
漂浮天蝎再现

蓝
。
蓝
。
蓝

Stupid-ing

0530 - 0730
Sleeping

0730 - 0745
Wake up, lazying on bed

0745 - 0820
House keeping, completing housework

0825 - 0845
Clean up myself, clothes changing

0845 - 0940
Watching TV, resting

0940 - 1000
Depart to college, driving

1000 - 1005
Arrive at college, looking for parking

1010 - 1110
Counseling session, talking

1113 - 1115
Back home, thinking what should I do, processing

1115 - 1135
Try to familiar the way to Taming Jaya, succeed

1135 - 1200
Reach home, resting

1200 - 1205
Typing this entry, stupid-ing

BLUE

今天的心情很 BLUE

。

。

。

不想说话

。

。

。
Feeling B L U E

。

。

。

silent-ing

无聊

突然觉得很无聊，根本提不起劲儿做任何事情。手里握着遥控器，无聊的转换着电台，换了一次又一次，播放着都是无聊的节目，真的有够无聊到我快疯了。心想有够无聊，算了吧，真的够了，随后就无聊的拿起身边的杂志，无聊的读起里头的资料，妈啊，真的很无聊，而且我竟然可以无聊到把杂志里对我而言是无聊的资料给读完。无聊到透顶，走出去透透气，刚巧邻居在溜狗，我这无聊的人就无聊的看着两只小狗在嬉戏。看看看，它们在玩，我在看，无聊的根本不知道要怎样。没事做自然觉得无聊，随之就无聊的在键盘上乱按一通，看看显示出来的资料，怎知道竟然是无聊的冷笑话。炎日的下午却被这无聊的冷笑话冷了冷，无聊到问自己，怎么那么地无聊？算了，就写写东西吧，手指在键盘上无聊的按着按着，竟然按出这篇无聊的文章，我为我这无聊的举动竟然抱肚大笑。原来，当我无聊起来的时候还真的可以这么得无聊。你呢？看完过后，是不是也觉得自己很无聊竟然荒唐到花了一段时间读这篇无聊的entry。哈哈哈，对不起，我还真得很无聊，就陪陪我无聊下下嘛。

Morning

Early morning,830am
Once wake up, feeling good
Time to work, feel lazy
Jobs of a part-time housewife of the day completed, feel released
On my beloved lappy, feel excited
Click on blogger dashboard, feel so slow, internet connection!
Ready to write something, feel energetic!
Too bad, mind is full of 'Nothing' and empty, feel so bad
Want to drink some water, thirsty, feel needed
Empty stomach, no feeling
Drinking wine while typing here, relaxing, feel enjoying
Drink wine with empty stomach, feel like killing myself

Amnesia

Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia

I dead in the past, but alive every morning once I wake up.

Every tomorrow is another chapter of my life, what had happened in the previous chapters were my experiences that shape the me today.

Things happened in yesterday was passed, store the memories and will never mention about it.

Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia Amnesia

你看见的改变

改变？
对！！
我真的变了。。
变得我觉得有些恐怖，甚至让我迷恋，沉迷于使坏。。

回想起当初的我，真的以为爱就是所有。说真的，还蛮可笑。

曾经的我为了爱，放弃自我。可以为了身边的他，撇开自己的意愿，什么都以他为先，然后才管自己。不管自己有多不开心，只要能让他开心，什么都依。就像是一个活生生的傀儡。当时，根本就不懂得怎样写“我”，知道的就只有“他。。。他。。。他。。。”。就算是知道不应该，但还是无可自拔的陷入。在他们眼中，他们不把我做得当作一回事。我没怨言。

曾经为了他们，不管父母亲的反对，毅然决定要跟他们在一起，倔强的要证明给他们看我选的他们是适合我的，就心想一定要他们掉眼镜。也许因为这样，有些委曲求全，也许。另外，当然也有因为爱，互相退让。说我没付出，没替他们想，我不吭声，哑子吃黄连，有苦自己知。

曾经为了要见到他们，一放了学，就跑去见他们。一有时间，就让给他们。就算家教再怎么严，都会尽我可能，向父母妥协，就算撒谎，也只为了要与他们有多一点的相聚时间。但得到的就只有怨言 “跟你拍拖好像跟你家人拍拖” “又那么早回，不能迟一点哦？”

曾经，他们要我乖，我就乖。要我温柔，我就温柔。不要我想太多，我想但不出声。只要他们的一句，我能做的，我就会做。但，在他们眼中，我总是一个不听话的孩子，很闷的一个人。

曾经的我，一旦进入爱情门槛，就会迷失自我，我的世界里，就只有他，没有其他人，盲目的一头载入，甭管自己的意愿。虽然说为我的他做的一切是心甘情愿的，但，当时的我，做的一切，就只依着他的意愿走，自己的就不管。就像一个躯壳，但没有自己的灵魂而是他的灵魂。

回望，当时的我，虽然真的爱了，但，失去自己。虽然有付出，但得到的却是责备和不谅解。我并不是埋怨，毕竟他们曾是我爱过的人，若不是因为他们，我不会成长。该说谢谢。
其实，说真的，如果没有当初的懵懂天真，不会有现在的我。如果没有当初的那份冲动，不会有现在的实在。

现在的我，不再像之前那么的渴望爱情。决不能！现在，爱情并不是我的所有。如果没能遇见一位真正能接受我的思想的人，接受我全部的人，我不爱。

我的确遇见不少好男人，也遇见一位能真正接受我的全部的人，一位不试图改变我的人，但，很可惜，我的热情不再，心也如此。

现在的我，变得比之前更冷，更疯狂，更加的保护自己，同时也变得很自私，什么都以自己为主，你喜欢就喜欢，不喜欢也不干我事。变得如此，我也没察觉，直到最近有件事情发生，方恍然大悟。原来，我变了。。。

我发现，原来现在的我，很享受单身的感觉，因为我可以自由自在的做我喜欢的事，说我要说的话，我行我素，一个真正的自己，不让人左右我的想法，更不让那些试图改变我的人得逞。你若觉得我难搞，那就别搞，别浪费时间。你若不是真的爱我，那就请你滚远点。

曾经的懵懂，不会再被重复，决不容许！经过之前的他们，我更加得懂得我要的男人到底是一个怎样的人，我向往那种相处方式，我更加得懂得分清楚烂男人和好男人，等等。我不再主动地告诉他‘我想念你‘，我不再将热情释放，不再隐瞒自己的意愿，很坦然地说出自己的喜欢与不喜欢。不容许自己再次的变成傀儡。曾经的我因为爱迷失自己，但，现在的我，决不能再次的迷失自己，就算再爱，也不能。迷失自己是一件很可怕的事，一个没有自己灵魂的躯壳，怎么能称得上是自己呢？

我身边的朋友也察觉，尤其是我的好朋友，Franky lai，他是一位真正看着我改变的人。他对我的改变，感到欣慰，也感到痛心，因为他觉得，我失去当初的懵懂和可爱。Baby Jocey 则是一位知道我想法的人，了解我为人的好姐妹。一位似乎我不用怎么说，她就明白我想什么的人。一如往常说的，如果我的男的，一定娶她了。

我真的变了。我发现了。
爱情对我而言，由最初的超级重要变得一切顺其自然。
有就有，没有就没有。一个人，并不会死掉。
这次，真的，顺其自然吧。

To J

As both of us knew, we cant contact with each other as what others used to do, hahaha, why sounds so pity? Actually, it is because there are some barriers between us that prevent us to keep in touch as usual. But, I am glad that you will still leave me some messages (I don't want to mention where you leave the messages, just in case she checks it once again. I don't wanna to put myself into trouble anymore), a sign of your concern to me. Thanks. You are always my best friend, friend for life!

Well, what past had passed, so, its really no point to dig them out anymore. Hehe, right? Remember what I had told you in MSN? I meant that. So, need not to feel sorry, neither guilt nor apology. Cheer up brother, anything happen, you may still share with me if you want to, through some appropriate ways. Wish you are blessed in whatever you do. Sincere wish from me.

Thankful for having you as friend, a friend of mine for more than 10 years. But friend, ought to remember the good and let go of the sadness, live life to the fullest cherish, ok? I know you can reach this. Learned from the past is the essence, do not ever repeat the same mistake for twice =)

All the best in your life ya. I cherish you.

shut-up

Keep your mouth shut if you know nothing about me!
Childish thoughts, rubbish information, get off!
I repeat: Do not apply your thoughts on me.

如果你不清楚我的事，那就请你闭上你的嘴！
幼稚的思想，垃圾资料，滚远一点！
重申一遍：你是你，我是我，不要把你的看法或思想灌在我的身上！

曾经。现在

曾经我为了他 放弃了你 欺骗过你
曾经我为了他 陷入眷恋 陷入迷茫

我不适合谈恋爱 不适合拥有
我不适合爱
我不适合 我不适合 我不适合

我依然怀恋过去
我依然想念你
但
现在不能回首
你不是我的

祝福你

Tests

You Are A Relationship Rescuer!

You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that

Do You Ruin Relationships With Men?

You Are a Coy Flirt!

You're not so much a flirt as the type of girl who draws flirts in While you look like you're just relaxing, secretly you've got your game on A little look here, a little wink there... you give men the encouragement they crave And in return, they flirt up a storm with you - while you just sit and smile

What Kind of Flirty Girl Are You?

You Don't Need a Man, but You Want One!

You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single. You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. you rather be alone. However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating. Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around.

Do You Need a Man?

You Are 74% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room. You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

You Are Very Sexy

Damn! You are one hot number. You have a lot of sex appeal. You know you're sexy, and you're not afraid to put it all out there. And while you're very appealing, you're careful not to be trashy or over the top. Sexy is all about attitude. And you totally have the attitude that people love. How You Are Sexy You are flirtatious and fun with most people. You know how to keep things light, friendly, and sexy. You feel gorgeous, and you always try to look your best. You make the best of what you've got. Totally sexy! You wear sexy underwear, and that's definitely hot. Feeling sexy is important to being sexy, even if no one knows what's underneath your clothes. You keep your body fit and healthy, and that's hot. Plus, sweating is also sexy!

Are You Sexy?

Your Heart is Feeling Safe

Right now, all is good with your heart. And you intend on keeping it that way. Whether you're deeply in love or just looking, you know that your heart will be taken care of. You never risk your heart too much, but you don't hold it back either. You know who to trust your heart with. Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Getting a little too comfortable Your current outlook on love: Calm and future oriented Your love life will improve if you: Treat other people's hearts the way you expect yours to be treated Watch out for: Taking the people you're dating for granted

What Is Your Heart Feeling?

我的 “哎呀弟弟“

可爱吧？猪嘴 + “V” 手势
他可真得很调皮，很可爱，也很聪明
更加地会讨人欢心
他第一首会唱的歌不是儿歌
而是林俊杰的“杀手”！！

终于肯好好的和 ‘哎呀妈米’ 合照了
怎么总觉得他看起来好像很年长酱？
有时，真得很怀疑他是不是过动儿
他可真得很爱说话，很爱动来东去
真得像一个大小孩

Heart of Greed / 溏心风暴

The time now is 340am, and my tears dropped.

I just finished all the episodes of 'Heart of Greed'. I am seriously addicted with this drama, the momentum remained, never thought of stop it once it started. Yea! It's indeed a very nice drama series, no wonder it received praises from fellow drama fans and awarded.

The story lines of this drama are very touching. It indeed very inspiring, I have learned a lot from this drama. Even though it was just a creation, but, the values and the messages that conveyed, and the reflection on the bright-and-dark side of this world, were so real-life.

The importance of the cooperation between siblings..
The strenght of the power of helping each others..
The importance of not only listen to one-side...
The importance of being considerate...
The importance of forgiveness...
The importance of trustworthy...
The importance of values that people hold...
The importance of determination...
The importance of understanding...
The importance of one's personality...
The importance of giving...
The importance of psychological well-being...
The importance of changes..
and,
The importance of love...

But what I treasure the most from this drama is the relationship between 'dak dak dei' and 'xiong zhoi sam', besides than the unmask ugliness that caused by the greediness, temptation towards money.

The ways 'dak dak dei' treat 'xiong zhoi sam' were really touching. I am cool and cold, I rarely cry when watching drama series, but this. In this drama series, the kindness and genuine heart that he revealed, really kills me. I wish I manage to wish someone in this world like him, will I?

Even though he can only be her friend, but he still chooses to stay there for her and gives her a hand whenever she needs.
Even though he knows that is another 'he' lives in her heart, but he still treats her the best he could, with a loving heart.
What he wants merely on the matter of "she can live happily and full of cherish, regardless who she chooses to be with". Whatever he did for her, he asked for no return, same to others in his life. He treats everyone fairly and nicely, and to her, he treats her with his genuine heart.

I am wonder, will this world has someone who are like he, someone who are willing to treat someone without expect any in return? Will there have someone who are posses the similar personalities as 'dak dak dei'?
______________________________________________________
现在是早上3点40分，我掉眼泪了。

刚刚追完 40集的 “溏心风暴”。一看就不想停止，一集接着一集的追着，真的是太好看了！大呼过瘾！难怪会得到那么多戏迷的赞赏以及荣获那么多项奖项。真得很不赖！赞！

故事情节很精彩，也很有启发性。虽然这部戏剧只是虚构的，但，当中的讯息，其中的情节，都相当的生活化，人性化。人性的美丽与丑恶，一一的呈现在戏中，就像一篇活生生被搬上大舞台的人生情节。

兄弟之间的合作的重要性。。
互相扶持的力量。。
“耳听三分假，眼见未为真” 的实用性，重要性。。
替人着想的重要性。。
原谅的美德。。
信任的重要性。。
坚持的守候。。
正确道德价值观的重要性。。
品行的重要性。。
付出但不祈求回报的大量。。
知错能改的诚心。。
以及爱的感染力。。

除了人性的美丽以及丑恶，人被金钱俘虏的让我有印象之外，最让我深刻的就是“得得地” 和 “常在心”之间的情感。

“得得地” 对待 “常在心” 的方式，真得很感动，也很稀有。这稀有品种，在哪儿找呢？这世上，还会又像他这样的男人存在吗？
虽然他知道和她不能在一起，但，他总是在她需要的时候拉她一把，默默的守候。
虽然他知道她的心中有着另一个他，但他还是风雨不改的对她好。
他要的其实很简单，就是要她活得开心。
他对她的好，是一种施恩末为报的态度，是一种来自真心想帮助她的心。他对每个人都一样的公正，一样的好，一样的不贪图回报，但对于她，更加的添增了一颗爱她的心，一颗想要保护她的心。

心想，这稀有品种，这世上还存在吗？这世上是否存在着那种不要求回报，无条件的付出的人吗？

－有趣的晚上－

本来是不想上来写东东的，但，今晚发生了很有趣的事，不记不行。。

话说 1 。。

我家的老妈子这两天心情不是很好，一直生闷气。而我家的老爸也很识趣的，让妈妈发一发脾气。直到今天一起在外进食晚餐时。。。。 老爸摇身一变，变成老顽童，哄我家的女主人。

话说 2 。。

这两天的我生病（好病不病，偏偏在我赶论文的时候病，大吉利市！）在外点餐时，好想吃冬炎，可是妈妈不准。。
好啦，为了不让妈妈更加的不爽，所以就点了生鱼粥，清清肠胃咯。。可是嘞，我家的老爸就点了我爱的冬炎。。。

当老爸点的冬炎送来的时候，他马上拿起汤匙，拿了一瓢的汤，然后呢，就把那香味吹向我的方向！
就像图片显示的一样。你看~ 他一副很自在的样子！！
很咋到！


在进餐的时候，老顽童又出招了。把正在生闷气的老妈子从不笑变成憋笑，然后再从憋笑便成大笑。还不止一次哦，每次我们大笑的时候，总是惹来不少的好奇的眼光。（哈哈哈，paiseh~　咱们太忘形了，没办法，女主人笑了，我们也变得轻松了。）

回家的时候，老顽童告诉我３姐弟老妈子的威水史~

话说 3 。。。

“你知道你们的妈咪很大方的吗？他除了冲凉没穿衣服之外，也很大方的。我送她的红钻石hor,　有一天她洗衣服的时候掉了wor，然后hor她就跑来告诉我这件事wor，然后我就问她有没有捡回来咯，你知道你们的妈咪说什么吗？够力咯，她说：水冲掉了咯！你们说啦，她够不够力？”

话毕，老妈子打了老爸的手一下。
然后老爸就问：“爽不爽jek？你还要什么？”
老妈子回答：“我要金条”
老爸很爽口的答应了：“金条而已，没问题，马上送到”
话毕， 就将车子停在7-11门前，再加上一句：“弟弟，下车，帮忙扛金条，很重的”

等了几分钟过后，家中唯有的两个男人上车了。。
老顽童拿出一条金色的东东！
晕掉！

猜猜是什么东西？？
是巧克力！！！
把外面的紫色包装纸拆开后的那条金色东东。
再一次，全部笑翻天！！
真的有够厉害，这样也能被他想到，两口子的生活，赞不赞?

Exhausted

I am STRESS too.. Do you know that?

I am in BAD MOOD too.. Do you know that?

I need someone to nag too.. Do you notice that?

I need help from others too.. Do you notice that?

I am exhausted!!! Really exhausted.. Feel so out of control..

I help others, but how about myself? Who going to give me a hand?

I know my role, and thus, I cant express much..

I know my role, and thus, I cant demand much..

I know my role, and thus, I wont piss if the situation REALLY doesn't challenge my boundaries..

I know my role, and thus, I have to repress my tone and remain my rationality..

I am tired...

I am exhausted...

I wanna to run away...

[DND]

What is the use of the status in MSN? To me, its a message to friends on whether you are available to chat with them or not. Besides than the status, the personal message is another tool of showing to people that what you think and what kind of message you wanna to convey to them.

My MSN personal message: R@cHEL: STRICTLY NO DISTURB!!
My MSN status: busy

It's clear enough that I'm not available for chat right? The word NO DISTURB is big enough right? And, for those who using MSN, of course you will know the symbol of 'busy', similar with the sign of 'no entry'.

Everything are so damn obvious, but why, why still drop me a message? The word that I put on my personal message arent bombastick kind of word, thus, I am pretty sure that it wouldn't cause up any misunderstanding on anyone, but why, W-H-Y?? Why still drop me a message?

Could you please, P-L-E-A-S-E, aware of the sign before looking forward to have a conversation with others?

When I put BUSY mode, I meant it.
When I say DND in my personal message, I meant it.

p/s: To those whom I chat with yesterday, I am not pointing the arrow on you, as you guys DID asked the permission.

Tonight

Tonight's feeling after the conversation in MSN