Molested

Damn! MOLESTED!

He makes me think of one of her friends. Jocey, know who is he anot?
They are so much similar in some extends, scary.

Knowledgeable person doesnt means he is definitely a gentle person.

His life rich of experiences and he is knowledgeable, ya, its indeed amazing, so? What he has and what he went through really cant determine his actual characteristics. His behaviors are violating the morality. Damn!
He makes me feel so insecure.

Arg..... MOLESTED!! Deng!

Well, listen here.
I am not one of your properties.
I am not going controlled by you.
Your superiority make me feel so sick.

untitle

Moving back-and-fore is normal during the recover stage, as long as never stop from moving forward, she said.

Trust need to be earned. When you couldnt get any trust from the person, how could you trust in him or her? She reminded me and obviously, she hits the point!

Your thoughts try hard to control your feelings, therefore there are many imbalance within yourself in this period. She explained.
Cognitive more than behavioral. duh~

Acknowledge the emotion, confront with the thoughts, move toward the goal, make an appropriate decision. She concluded.

When you change, everything surround you will change too. Ya, what she said same with Gerry.
Ya, do not preoccupied with stability; changes are needed to strike the world of mine. lol~

Power of CHANGE!

Please

We should just stay in 'friendship' right now, I think..
Remain as friend will be better, I guess..
I have unresolved issue, it wont be fair to anyone, I know..

I am scare...
I am insecure...
I am avoiding.. (obviously)

Do you understand?
I don wanna to hurt either one
I don wanna be unfair to either one

Please give me a break..
Please stop approach into my comfort zone..
Please get the KEY before trying to enter into my world and explore it with me..

Ready for the counseling session.
hahaha, Jocey, share with you in class about what she tells me ya =)

把冰山劈开

心静得像湖里的水，没有一点点的澎湃。。。
我怎么了？

女孩子，在面对别人的追求时，怎样也该有点点的开心。。。
但，我竟然没有一点点地感觉。。
很冷，很酷。。

朋友问我现在到底有多少个人在排队，算了算。。。
得到的回应是：“不是吧？不要开玩笑喔。那他们之中你要选谁？”
拜托。。。有人追，就一定要从中选一个的吗？
狗屁不通。。

不少人问我可否把钥匙给他们。。
对不起，这把钥匙，我不随便给。。。
一切得靠你们的实力把我这座冰山劈开。。。
事先声明，也许你需要一段很长的时间才能把冰山劈开
若你能成功俘虏我的心，我就把钥匙交出来。。
若你不能的话，你可以转身就走，我不会挽留
_______________________________________________

I have to translate some essences of this entry into English version, due to some of you don know read in Chinese:

Numb...
Flatted emotion...
Neutral..

Normally, girls will feel happy when there is someone go after her..
But, how come I will feel nothing?
No excitement at all.
Weird...
Cool...
Cold...
Unapproachable...

Friends asked how many of them after me right now...
I understood their curiosity..
I count and reply them..
"Wow, are you serious? Then any preferable ideal life partner?"
Duh~~
Please lar~ It's doesnt mean you must accept one of them since in single status..

Friends dropped me messages after saw the nick name I put in my MSN.
Most of them asked questions regard to the KEY, a KEY of my heart...
Sorry, I wont give out the KEY just like that..
Have to see how capable you are to get the KEY from me... Fate, perhaps.

Well. whats need to be stated is, you may take a long long time to win my heart and get the KEY, as I stated, I'm numbed..
So, if you are tiring in getting the KEY, you may just walk away in the middle.
If you really able win my heart and knock off this ice-berg, I will hand out the KEY of my heart to you and will never ask it back...

To both of YOU

To you No. 1,

Please, please don show your care if you really didnt mean it?
Frankly, I really wonder what is your intention and what is your motive to do so.
You know what, its really sounds so abusive and annoying.

Whats the point to be a pretender?
Whats the point to waste the few cents just aim to ask her:"hey, how are you?"
Tell me and to her as well,whats the point for you to do that? RUBBISH!
If what you did recently recognized as so-called 'concern', why dont you REALLY show your concern and care during that time and why don you compromise and tolerate?
___________________________________________________

To you No. 2,

Sometimes, there is certain thing that ought not to tell anyone
Sometimes, I would like to keep those secrets just to myself, a life-long secret without any disclosure.
I rather choose to keep them until the day I closed my eye and leave forever.
At least, I can leave peacefully and need not to recall those heartache painfulness.
Thing had happened, there is no point to recall on it.
It will remain as an internal scar, a scar that will never be cleared or vanished in my life.
You, as a man, will never know how traumatic was the experience to a girl and how dreadful were my days in the past.
Really, nothing to reveal anymore, BECAUSE, I KNOW EVERYTHING IS UNAPPRECIATED AND IT IS GONE.
___________________________________________________

Promises

Every promises are the same...
They remain the same, no matter what.

During the moment we say:"I love you forever" to someone else, we really mean it and its so real. So sweet huh?
During the moment we swear or show our love to others, we mean everything we did.

When the relationship is still in the honey-moon period, every promises are so sweet and touching.
But,
When the love gone...
When the relationship ended...
Every promises serves as an arrow eventually and it is sufficient enough to penetrate into our fragile heart.. Bleeding, non-stop.
So, people tend to hesitate on the reliability of those made promises.

Well, in fact, promises never changed since the day it was made, what had changed were OUR THOUGHTS and OUR FEELIGNS TOWARDS THE COMMITED RELATIONSHIP AND PERSON.

Who should we blame?
Neither the person who made the promises nor the promises itself
Instead, ourselves.
So,
Never make any promises if you really cant realise it

负责任？

最近到底是发生了什么事？怎么身边的她，她，她和她，都面对着同样的问题呢？这社会到底是怎么了？到底发生了什么事？？？ 是社会生病了，还是人性变得无比的复杂了呢？

说真的，还真得很庆幸能够在这年记里认识这些社会人渣，斯文败类。彼此的经历，让我们（她，她，她，和她）重新评估世上的男人，同时，也让我们重新衡量怎样的男人是可以托付终身，怎样的男人则只适合冠上“男朋友”的衔名。

男人，要偷吃，就请你跑远一点偷吃，为什么要搭上她的好朋友呢？为什么选择在敏感的感情里下手呢？偷吃还不懂得把嘴巴擦干净，那就最好别偷腥！情侣之间最怕的就是7年之痒，但，你呢？7个月都没有，就痒痒痒了！！！而且，竟然还搭上她的好姐妹！很过分！！

男人，与她享受鱼水之欢之前，务必想清楚，你到底有没有能力负责任。如果真得导致她怀孕了，你负责的来么？逃避，难免会出现，但，有些人在逃避后，仍然会选择面对。有些人则会选择“人间蒸发”。如果在你脑海里第一个闪过的念头是“夹娃娃”的话，那，你真的很很很很很很不负责任！！当听见她问他那个问题时，心想：你这乌龟王八蛋，最好就是一个负责任的人。很失望！！他不是！真得很侮辱，很讽刺！一个修读心理学的他竟然回答：“很对不起，让你承受着后果”。什么东西啦！！真得很够冷血，太冷血了！怎么可以什么都不做呢？手术前什么也不做，就连手术后也不做点什么！！到底，你的心是什么构成的？铁石心肠就是你！卸下“男朋友” 的称号，就代表不用负责任吗？经手人毕竟是你，理论上，你总得该做些什么吧？但，很讽刺，你竟然回答那一句话。真得很讽刺！！她肯告诉你，对你已经很仁慈了，也给了你应该得到的尊重！也让你知道有个小生命在等你疼。但，你，真的有够乌龟王八蛋！！！

你知道吗？有些人，也许，一辈子也不可能知道，原来曾经有个她有过他的孩子。因为事情在很巧合的情况下发现，那个她在苦恼到底要不要告诉他这事儿。但，他的冷酷无情，他的不专情，他的漠不关心，他的冷眼对待，他的冷漠，他当时的将要离开以及日后的离开，他的不理不睬，那个她选择自己一个人扛下种种的后果，无论有多难堪，有多危险，她都不吭一声。负责任？怎么负责任？根本联络不上，怎么告诉他呢？也许，N年后他会从某人口中知道了此事，但，一切已经太迟了，已经不能挽回什么。

你这乌龟王八蛋，是不是应该很庆幸她选择告诉你呢？哪怕只是一个假设性的问题。我真得很想把你的名字拱诸于世，我看你日后还能怎样这么不负责任！我看你日后还能怎样在学校里打混！

不可让这些社会人渣剥夺其余好男人的佳衔，这世上仍然还有好男人存在，我相信，但，得在这茫茫人海中寻觅那个好男人，真的是大海捞针，并不是一件简单的事。

哪种男人要不得？continued

突然，想完成未完成的文章。。。
（那种男人要不得 ）

• to be continued... continue....
• 太过冷静的男人要不得, 冷得很无情的人
• 把你推上手术台的男人要不得
• 剥夺你的权利的男人要不得
• 不负责任的男人要不得
• 什么都不过问的男人要不得
• 过分理智的男人要不得
• 大小也不要的男人要不得
• 冷漠无情的男人要不得
• 不把事情交代清楚的男人要不得
• 不专一的男人要不得，就是脚踏多条船的男人
• 背叛你的男人更要不得
• 转眼不认识你的男人要不得
• 吃软饭的男人要不得
• 慧眼不是泰山的男人要不得
• 不懂你的苦心的男人要不得
• 哈哈哈哈，偏激点。。。只要是男人就要不得！！！

臭男人

陈大小姐原本还蛮喜欢黄义达的《臭男人》

歌名: 臭男人 歌手: 黄义达
作词：黄义达　 作曲：黄义达
专辑: 专属密码

我就是你们女生最讨厌的那种人
专门欺骗女人感情的臭男人
我就是那个家里有了一个还嫌不够
还在外头养了一个小女人
喔　喔　喔　喔
我就是你们所谓的不在乎天长地久
只在乎曾经拥有的臭男人
我就是那个一三五会在家
二四六哪还用说
而星期天是平静的渡过
奇怪的是这世界男人不坏女人不爱
耍帅要体贴又要关怀
这种男人已不存在
我就是那个让你不明白
让你看不开让你好无奈
对了 就是那个臭男孩
让你叫天　天不理睬
我就是你们女生最讨厌的那种人
专门欺骗女人感情的臭男人
我就是那个家里有了一个还嫌不够
还在外头养了一个小女人
奇怪的是这世界男人不坏女人不爱
耍帅要体贴又要关怀
这种男人已不存在
我就是那个让你不明白
让你看不开 让你好无奈
对了就是那个臭男孩
让你叫天　天不理睬
我就是那个让你不明白
让你看不开 让你好无奈
对了 就是那个臭男孩
让你叫天　天不理睬
我就是那个让你失去让你心痛　
让你泪流 让你一生好痛恨的臭男人
我就是那个让你无法自拔无法渴望　
无法预料一生痛恨的臭男人
臭男人 臭男人 臭男人
我这个这个这个这个这个臭男人

现在看来，歌词里的男人，还不能完完全全的诠释一个臭男人的特质。
臭男人的特质何止这些呢？

THE DEATH

No one will know how my life went through thus far...
What appear in front of you doesnt mean they are the truth...
The 'me' you meet, the 'me' you talk with, might not my real self...
You might say I am a pretender...
But have you ever think of the reason why I have a strong urge to present the very best side of mine to the people that I deal with?
You may judge on me, I don care...
I just want to do something I want to do, thats all!!

Tired day, so?
Helpless soul, so?
Endless rumination, so?
Dreadful life, so?
Endless force, so?
Abandoned identity, so?
Trustworthy collapsed, so?
Heartache, so?

SO WHAT? TELL ME, SO WHAT? WHATS THE MATTER? I JUST DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL PLEASANT, IS IT CREATE ANY UNPLEASANT TO YOUR LIFE? NO RIGHT? SO, PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE.
see? THE DEATH?
My heart is certified DEAD!!

Hahaha~ what a good question, who am I?
I feel so sick of life!!

I know, somewhere in this round round world, have someone who will really appreciate everything of mine and accept every limitations and strengths that I possessed.
I will reveal the very true of myself and the very best of myself to my significant one.

I feel...

I feel...

• NOT RIGHT
• Miserable
• Hopeless
• Helpless
• Dull
• Dread
• Fake
• Sick of the world
• Sick of man
• Inadequate
• Bad
• Depressed

Lesbian

I am losing trust issue with males. Getting reclutant to date with males.

She and I have the same thought, feel happier when spending the time with female friends, being a lesbian also nevermine.

Ya, being a homosexual is okay to me even though its not acceptable in Malaysia. Somehow, there is some places in this world accept homosexual marriage.

Haha, just crap, no worries to my male friends =)

原谅我

这么多天过去了
感觉有点好了
渐渐恢复当中
但
总觉得很愧疚

对不起
请原谅我
是我的自私
我的隐瞒
我的残忍

我会想念你
希望你明白我的苦衷
原谅我的决定

毁或没毁？

该或不该
痛苦抉择
别无第二选择。。。

违背良心
不断自责
自己面对一切。。。

没有后退
一去不回
不然还能怎样？？

身体虚弱
照顾自己
后果不堪设想。。。

希望这次过后
一个新的开始

人生
毁或没毁
听天由命。。。

放心
不用负责
你没资格。。。

对或错？

做了一件不知道是不是对的事。。。。
事实。。。良心。。。现实。。。道德。。。
进退两难。。。。
但，总比什么都不做好。。。
事情总得需要一个解决。。。

陈大小姐会很坚强的=）

Let go

Let go of the past
Enjoy the present
Discover the potential treasure

No worries, I never meant to give up
No worries, need not to bargain with me (yeah, its you, Mr.R)
No worries, I never meant to distrust people anymore
No worries, my uniqueness are remained

没用的男人！小白脸

我真得很想骂粗口啦！！！！

#￥%!@#$%^&^%$#@#$%^&**&^%$#@!~!@#$%^&* 这两个男人，男人之中的败类！

怎么可能会有这样的男人？？？还真的让我大开眼界！！ 眼见为凭！！怎么会有男人贪钱竟然贪成这样像你这样？？ 堂堂一个男子汉，却是一个会吃软饭的男人？？最可耻的是，你居然还摆出一幅很高崇的样子！我想问，将来，你是要娶人呢还是要‘嫁’呢？其实你选择吃软饭，贪钱，我没意见，这是你的选择。但，我真得像想不到这世上竟然有像你这样假惺惺，表面上一幅正经八百的样子，私低下却是一个社会人渣，斯文败类的男人！！！你居然可以说出那种话！婚姻对你来说，真的不值一提！

在我人生中，认识了另一个挥霍成狂的男人，一位有钱就能包养我的人！！我真得很庆幸认识你，要不是你，我根本不可能上了这一课。原以为如果你不是那么过分的话，还可以维持朋友的阶段，但，你真的太离谱了！说真的，你要包养女人，我没意见，但，我真的真的很想骂你！！你把当我什么？？那些见钱眼开的女人啊？你真的以为有钱就能买到一生幸福哦？？你真的以为每个女人都愿意让你包养哦？有钱就很了不起吗 ？对！有钱什么都可以，但，请你把眼睛睁大点，做你朋友的我，不是那种女人！！真得很侮辱！你贬低你自己的人格就好，别把我拖下水！

对不起！！你们真得很没用！！离我远一点！！我不介意你们说我偏激，说我有偏见也罢！！我就是承认我对这些事是有点偏见，怎样？我就是不管！！你们就是窝囊！！你们就是丢尽男人的脸！！

Cheer up

Cheer up friend!!

The first step is indeed hard to make, but without the first appraoch, you will never reach to the final stage.

Initially there are 100 steps to reach to the final stage, if you never take any steps further, you will only stay at where you stopped, will never have any improvement. But, if you dare to move one step forward, there are only 99 steps remain from the final stages.

So, could you see the point? The more steps you take, the closer you are to your dreams.

Undeniable, there are a lot of difficulties and obstacles along the journey that might pop up without your notice, but, try not to be defeated by those. Accept these barriers, face them positively, and soon, you will see the rainbow after the raining days. Remember the words: 正面解答，逆向思考

I'm here for you, whenever you need a talk, anything want to update me, just drop me a message and I will listen to you just like what I did tonight.

God bless you. You are blessed. Good luck!

爱

看了网友的部落格，很赞同他的一句话：“说了夫妻两人相处之道，在于‘让’，而让的出发点在于爱，因为彼此相爱，所以需要让（不放忍让，因为忍是有限度的），爱可以包容一切彼此的缺点。”

我很赞同这一点。
因为爱他，就会接受他的一切一切，哪怕彼此的身份地位，学历背景，性格有多么大的差别。
因为爱他，所以就选择接受他一切的不完美。
因为爱他，绝不会连一点点的瑕疵都看不过去。
因为爱他，他的一切一切（不管是优点或缺点）都变得很动人优美。
因为爱他，所以就会毫无限度的包容。
因为爱他，就会很自然的与他慢慢妥协，慢慢等待。
因为爱他，所以你不会希望看到他受苦。
因为爱他，心里根本就不舍得让他为自己受苦。

就是因为爱，把一切的不可能都变得有可能。
就是因为爱。。。
有时候，不完美才是完美的，缺陷美。

醒

今天早上，‘老公’带了我到教堂一遍。还不赖=）谢谢你，宝贝。知心朋友就像你一样=）

其实已有一段日子是很想到教堂里去了，但碍于daddy不赞成，所以就没有任何的行动。今早听我这么一问-是否可以去教堂，他的脸一度的变黑。但没办法，是他自己说过我可以去参加那里的活动，但就是不能洗礼。Mommy也提醒我说不要一味的做一些daddy不喜欢我们做的事（因为最近我一直在晚上的时候往外跑，daddy有些不喜欢了）。
但，拜托，我又不是365天都往外跑，怎么可以用这一句话 - 做么你每天都出去？家里没有安全感给你么？你把家里当酒店哦? - 责问我呢？再加上，一路以来，我也是循规蹈矩的，没给他们添加什么不必要的麻烦，也因为如此，我错失了很多的机会！我想是时候慢慢的为自己争取了吧？Authoritarian parenting style 的后果！

这几天都想了很多，什么“狗屎垃圾”都想一通，脑袋还真的被我这么一想变重了很多！哈哈哈，当然，聪明人一看就知道我在开玩笑咯，拜托！把脑袋塞得满满的感觉还不赖！不停的想，脑袋不停的转，就猛然感觉到脑细胞很活跃的活动着！哈哈哈！我的头脑没诸塞！

我的“狗屎垃圾”List：

1. 想想要怎样重新将自己的小小房间做个大大的改造，弄得更女人点。哈哈哈，我的‘老公’-Mandy 星期二就会过来我家与我一起给房间做个大改造！很兴奋neh。
2. 读了很多的articles，写下必须注重的关键问题，程序等等，想想应该交怎样的proposal给教授，怎样给自己的毕业论文增加根多的分数。
3. 上网找资料，compare价钱，是时候给自己规划一个规律的生活作息了。减肥！哈哈哈，朋友，我瘦了3kg！我真得开心的在狂跳！！
4. 依然会参加今年的“饥饿30”。有几个朋友也很有兴趣参加。很好！！找资料，attend营长的briefing，待一切资料准备好的话，就会告诉你们的咯，然后我们就能一起疯狂！突然想起去年那班来自吧生的营员，他们真得很可爱！！他们会不会今年也参加呢？好期待！
5. 重新衡量自己以及不断的upgrade自己。我相信Siew Li 的话，我可以创造奇迹的！想想那个已经在远远的他，一个曾经让我有梦想的人=）
6. 每天都得阅读，至少至少500页！ 谢绝小说！唯有侦探型的小说可以接受。

谢谢，曾经爱过我的你

说真的，还真的得谢谢你。

谢谢你爱过我
谢谢你那段日子的陪伴
谢谢你曾经的真心对待
谢谢你成为我生命里的过客
谢谢你那两个星期里的无形伤害
谢谢你的持续沉默
谢谢你让我知道感情里或外应该注意的事
谢谢你教了我很多关于车子的知识
谢谢你让我学会不执著
谢谢你让我更勇敢
谢谢你让我往成长的旅途更迈进一步
谢谢你让我上了人生最宝贵的感情课
谢谢你让我留下刻骨铭心的记忆
谢谢你让我的忍耐程度扩大
谢谢你让我有机会磨练自己的EQ
谢谢你让我更加清楚知道我要的幸福是什么
谢谢你让我更坚持自己
谢谢你的隐瞒
谢谢你让我有机会给自己生命翻开新的一页

快要出国工作了哦，真心的祝福你
祝福你前程似锦，一路顺风

放纵自己

陈大小姐学会放纵了！

别误会，我并不是放纵自己去堕落，去沉沦或是去毁灭。
哈哈~虽然有时我的想法是有点古怪啦， 例如放纵自己构思一套完美谋杀计划~
但，我还不至于傻到亲手将自己的前程摧毁。放心！
我虽然不漂亮，但我还有头脑！是时候更加的善用每一片脑细胞，好好的思考。瞢管它是否理智还是不理智，就是得让它们活动活动了！新学期到了，不能再沉睡。

学习放纵自己，就从每一次刻骨铭心的人生经验开始，从再一次的溃不成军的挫败下从众叛亲离的四面楚歌中开始
学会放纵自己，其实只想让自己有个机会去做一些曾经心里很想但又不敢去做的事情
选择放纵自己，只是为了塑造一个全新的自我，在不断的改变中寻到更多更多意想不到的快乐以及快感
会想放纵自己，其实是为了把握每一次的机会，让自己有更多的机会把世界看得更透彻一点
愿意放纵自己，是为了寻找一个更适合自己的生活方式，慢慢的探索，完美得将自己的情感世界升华以及做到人应该拥有的崇高不俗的人生境界！

在生活历程里（无论是人类或动物）我们都一直不断的学习，不断地被磨练，不断的进步，不断地面对不同的惊喜，惊吓，挫折，离别，背叛，考验，等等。。。也许，给自己一个放纵的机会，我们可能在渺茫的希望中看见一个意想不到的奇迹，皆因没有人会知道奇迹会几时出现。

有时候放纵自己别太过于理智是一件好事。。。。
有时候放纵自己的将自己捆在属于自己的小世界里也不见得是一件坏事。。。
有时候放纵自己就代表释放自己。。。
有时候，学会放纵自己反而会得到更多更多。。。

Deserve

I think the mistake that I had made was I GAVE YOU THE CHANCE TO HURT ME. (well, think and read carefully, I am not referring the arrow to anyone, but myself )
But, really thanks. I am thankful.
For the one who betray the friendship and abuse the trustworthy, thank you.
Soon in the future, you will deserve everything that you had done.
Karma, remember?

Everyone, THANKS.

For those who concern about me, Thanks. I really don't know which word could I use to present my appreciation anymore, really THANKS. Besides than thanks, still, THANKS. As people always said: 一切尽在不言中
(I wish I could name out all of your names to give you guys a recognition, but I know you all are so so so low-profile, so, pandai pandai la, you guys know I'm talking about you then is more than enough.)
smile smile~

I really appreciate all of the advices and concerns that you guys have gave me. And I am sorry to make all of you worry on me, I'm sorry, on the other hand.

And, I want to thank you too, for EVERYTHING, regardless its negative or positve.

No worries, what past had passed, so, its no point to talk about it anymore. At least, I learned a lot from the past and gain a lot too. I gain a lot of TRUE YET SINCERE AND TREASURABLE FRIENDSHIP! I learned a huge lesson in my life, and it is indeed help me to improve and become better. I learned to identify CONDESCENDER!! lol~ And it will set as a reminder for me which helps in constant remind me of be aware and caution in evaluating people. I am thankful.

I know God is with me all the time, He is never gives up on me, and same to you guys. Muacks~

You guys knew these:

• I made a lot of amend and tried hard to save, and I'm still being abandoned. Well, I am still accept everything that happened. Chills~ things happened with reasons.
• I am not longer fall into rumination and keep on self-blaming since few days ago as I just voice out my doubtness instead of cheats. Those who called me and MSN with me knew this (yeah, you know who you are =)).
• I had decided to set myself free from tortures too. It's been a long time I trapped myself into the depressive moments. It's somewhat stupid but it is expressive. lol~ And you guys kept on complainning that I'm stubborn. lol~ Sorry la dude, Its not stubborn, but persistent. haha~ Rachel is back d =) so, no worries =)
• I never blame on anything or anyone, even though I knew something more than the truth and the trigger. Haha, this is one of the things that you guys feel pleasant about me. No worries, for sure I won't blame, but be thankful and forgive. Remember? 'Love and Forgiveness'
• I learned what love is. I learned what tolerate is. I learned what compromise is. I learned to forgive. I learned to detect. I learned what is the symptoms. I learned a lot. And, my acceptance range is wider, same to my EQ. My EQ is getting higher!! lol~You guys were so amazed by my tolerance! Haha, paiseh~

I am glad this happened during the holiday, you know what, I just not dare to imagine what if this matter happen during the semester! If it is, guess my studies will be seriously affected. SCARY lar~~

Well, I am glad actually, and really feel happy. I feel RELEASED. Yahoo!! When you guys knew about the latest new of I am back to the 'SINGLE club' again, what you guys said to me and done to me really impressive and touching. Hahaha, THANKS again buddy. Nothing greater than having you guys in my life!

Obviously, all of you really feel happy for my freedom again. You all are welcome me back to the Single Club!! And some even requesting to celebrate for me and said wanna to organize a single party for me! Hahaha! Thanks a lot ya =) Well, all of these can be saved, I appreciate. 感激不尽 I really need not all of these parties, I believe the one of mine, my Mr. Right will occur soon in the future =) Hehehe. So, just enjoy my precious single life first. =p But, get to know more friends is not bad idea though, but could it be done through other idea instead of Single party? haha~

Nothing I can do or say but THANKS!!!!! No worries, I am fine. Totally fine and happy again. lol~

-upgrading myself-

Solution

Everything needs a solution.
It's just doesn't help AT ALL with constant ignorance and remain silent.

Where is your gut huh?
You should responsible on the things that you had done!

Man o Man...
Sequential thinking pattern!
Useless.

回来了

我不会再哭泣，发泄完了，一切变得很轻松。
虽然事情还没清楚地解决，但，我不会再哭。

朋友们，放心！
陈大小姐回来了！来吧，一起继续疯狂！！

今晚，朋友send了一首歌给我 - 陶晶莹的《太委屈》
他说当他听着这首歌的时候就突然想起我，所以就会想把它send给我。

Ken Tan, 谢谢你=）一切一切。

To Ethan

Hohohoho~~ Time to write another friend of mine, Mr. Ethan =)

Even though you are not in Malaysia now, but we are still manage to keep in touch. Yahoo! It's a good thing right? An evidence of the efforts that we are putting-in to maintain our frienship! It's not an easy task though, as two persons apart from each other, the proximity between these two individuals should be getting wider,normally. But, we are not. We are still remain the same and never forget each other. lol~ So, we should glad that we are still able to maintain a good quality of friendship! Hahahah~

I am recalling how was our friendship started. Hmmmm~ it was so sweet and memorable. Ethan, do you still remember that? Hehe =) Nah nah nah, don't say you are not wor, I will be sad and will angry on you! =p Hahaha! No worries, you know I am not so concern on this =)

The first message in Friendster. First message in MSN. First text message that I received from your phone. Our first date after the long chats.
Everything that we did and went through are so memorable and they are worth to keep for life long. Do you agree? =)

I will always remember the days that we had passed together. Those days are the precious moments in my life =) I feel grateful, and, I know, I am blessed.
Because of you, I have dream again. A beautiful dream that you had gave me =)
Even though things doesn't work out for us, but thanks for those sweetest memories. At least we had tried, and thus we will never regret on it, right?
Sometimes people will choose to blame this and that when things doesnt work out, but you know that I won't fall into such thinking. Because the memories that you gave me are more than enough, and they are enriching my life and our friendship, indeed.

Ethan, thanks. A sincere appreciation from me to you. smile smile~ I learned a lot from you. You taught me a lot of things that I will NEVER NEVER learn from my text books. Especially those market knowledge and your personal quotation. lol~ still remember what is that? ask me personally if you forgotten. lol~ Your high EQ is impressive.

You always remind me of my uniqueness and remind me that beauty is in the eye of beholder. Thanks a lot.

p/s: I am waiting for your return to Malaysia, then we can go for bowling again. lol~ and the tickets too ar.... I still remember them. =p

Confrontation

When want to cry, just cry
When want to speak, just speak
When want to smile, just smile
When want to shout, just shout
When want to do anything for expression, just do it!

Never ignore your true feelings
Never suppress your feelings
Never not acknowledge your feelings.
Never dishonest to your feelings
Never hide yourself from your true feelings, you are hurting yourself if you are!

Any barriers, climb over them
Any mistakes, improve on them
Any obstacles, strike on them
Any problems, face them
Any difficulties that you have in your life, just confront them bravely, you will be amazed by how capable you are actually

Thankful

I thought it will never occur in my life anymore. In fact, it is HAPPENING!! Just the matter I do not know it AT ALL, and I NEVER thought of it. trustworthy collapsed~ I am glad I know it today before it shows up in fronf of me while I do not have any psychological preparation. I am glad that it happened again, at least it reminds me I missed out something again, and I need to be more cautions.

I am glad to know some hidden information today, even though I am still experiencing emotional breakdown. I am thankful to those who reveal it. No worries, you identity will be remain confidential, one of the rules that a counselor should has (even though I'm not yet a lisenced counselor, but I will hold on this principle anytime, it represent the trustworthy between you and I). I promise. And, I am glad you guys share with me some of your stories too, its interesting. Well, no worries, need not to feel sorry, you guys just play your roles as a friend. Nothing to feel bad. Chills~

If you guys did read on my older entry (10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1)http://sweechin86.blogspot.com/2007/12/10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.html ,you will know 'Love and forgiveness' is one of my principles of life.I choose to forgive and to be thankful, no matter how worse is the situation. I won't blame anyone nor anything. You guys know this, I'm glad. And, I'm glad that I am back from the lost.

Everything happen has a reason behind, something that we left out and ignored. The main reason just doesn't as simple as it's surface. Thanks again, as this brings me back Gerry's counseling class. Yes, I am refreshing my counseling knowledge. Yahoo!

Should thank you, at least, I learned another lesson in my life. The more I learned, the better I am.

-upgrading myself-

Thanks for the trauma

Okay. It's indeed a trauma to me.
Thanks for everything.

• trembling
• bleeding
• heartache
• fragile
• blank

心门

心如止水
不再澎湃

心门锁起
钥匙在哪

不曾收回
在你手上

无名指上
戒指依在

一直相信
一切一切

依然等着

今天

今天买了一条可爱的吊带裙以及一件性感洋装。
试吊带裙的时候，因为没有fitting room的关系，所以就当场把裙子套上照镜子，是公开的。被旅客赞美。有点小开心。很明显，sales girl 很怕我和朋友只试不买。
在试性感小洋装时被店里的顾客，sales girl以及我的朋友虎视眈眈。我在意的地方他们不在意，就偏偏只注意到哪里。弄得我很歹势。

今天我在69Cafe 里向Siew Li学了很多事情，同时她也点醒了我很多事。我会记得“种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆”的道理。我会记得“天地”。我会创造奇迹。

今天是个纪念日，本想有些行动，但，现在实在不是个好时机。

今天我没有哭。

朋友，谢谢你们的陪伴，你们的信息。不用担心，我会好好的过。我没事。

untitle

Friend raised up a question that I don't know how to answer:
"Why you will cry this time? I thought you don know to cry. I thought only ghost can makes you cry. Never know that you will cry for a guy, now."

Ya, why? I wonder to know too.

Everything just happen without my notice.
Everything of him keep on occupied my mind.
Every objects prompt me to think of him.
Everytime I just cry all of the sudden.

Cry
Its an unpleasant emotion.
Its an expression of feeling.

Checked on the criterias for depression. I almost fullfill the core-symptoms. If this situation keeps on happen for days more, I probably will be diagnosed suffer from Depression NOS.

I can't move into emotional-breakdowns state. Just can't.
I need to be tough, no matter what.

Persistence is the choice I made, I will accept any consequences that follow after.
It's hard, I know.
But still, I choose to stay.
I will be more tougher.
Encouragement.

安静的哭

我知道
我曾答应你不再哭
但，
总会不知不觉地掉眼泪
接着就狂哭狂憋
没有哭出声
就狂忍住哭泣的声音
决不让身边的人发现我哭泣
任眼泪随着脸的轮廓不停的掉落
眼泪鼻涕不停的滑落
这并不代表我懦弱
也不代表我违反我的承诺
只是
眼前的一切一切
似乎都成了我眼泪的催化剂
一连串的眼泪
都不在我控制下瞬间掉落
我已经很努力的憋着了
我真的有憋住
我真的有。。。

心悸

怎么突然心悸？
很不舒服。。。
很痛 x 1000000000

Fear, no more

Our deepest fear is the power beyond the fear.
Our strongest enemy is ourselves.
Nothing can defeat us but ourselves.
If we afraid of something and thus choose to ignore it, then, we will never have any improvement.

I admit it's my fault.
At the same time, I am afraid of the consequences too.
But still, I choose to face it.
But still, I choose to stay and fix it.

Fear not longer a fear to me.
I knew what's the trigger.
The same mistake wouldn't repeated for twice.
I am being ready for any sacrifice.

bébé, je t'aime. flamme éternelle

I believe

I believe
Everything that we encountered
Will brings up a change

I believe
Every challenges that we overcame
Will intensify our soul

I believe....

The changes
Either good or bad
Its all depend
To me, I will become better

Yes...

I am evaluating myself

I am learning

I will become better

Good thing will comes after the worse, I believe
May be it will takes loooooooong time
But I will never give up
I will keep on exploring

The scar and the ring
Serve as a painful reminder for myself
The flame remains eternally
So do the promises

I will do everything
Everything to protect
Scar will never exists
Existence is forbidden

柯南一梦

再一次地去了他家，在门口放了信便转身离开。
当时的心情很糟，也很紧张。
毕竟是我做错了。

突然，听见他开门，马上加快脚步，拔腿就跑。 不让他看见。

不久后，手机铃声响了响。
他说他知道我来过，也知道我跑掉了。
天啊！接下来的信息尤其令我更加兴奋！
他原谅我了！！！
当场我大哭了一场，在路边大哭一场。
情绪一来，什么也不管，更不管身边的奇怪眼神。
谢天谢地，也更谢谢他。
我的第二次机会。 我会珍惜。

不知怎么的，我竟然被车撞到了。
被抛得远远的，觉得晕眩。

醒了。
脸上的泪依然还在。
原来，发了一场梦。
只可惜，它只是一场梦。
多美丽的一场梦。

-柯南一梦-

你会看见我的改变

听进去了
我也明白了
大错特错
怪在自己的没心装载

是我的不敏感让彼此的感情有裂痕
是我没有站在你的立场上认真地为你想过
是我将我的看法当作是你的看法
是我的自私我的自以为是

不见棺材不流泪
不到将要失去的时候都不心急
我会改变
你一定会看见的

无名指上的戒指
绝不会拿下
象征着我对你的爱
也是我对你的认真 （它并非只是一个象征，而我更是注重它的意义）

今天的每一句话
都会永远记在心中
会警惕自己
绝不重犯 （重犯的话，必定打包的，我知道）

哪怕日后真得没机会碰面
至少心中还有你
那就足够
我相信你 我等你

时间
会冲淡它
同时 时间
可以让你看见我的改变

我不再哭
我答应你的
我会将哭的力量化为改过的原动力
我会好好反省 改变
你一定会看到的

To Uncle Lai

Haha, again, write about my friend again, uncle Lai.
LOL~
I know sure he will kills me and pokes me later if he meets with me again
Just because I called him "uncle Lai" instead of his name.

Refresh how we met.
Wow! Our friendship has been last for years ady
And we still can remain close even after you came back from oversea, not bad wor.
True friendship hard to be found. I appreciate.
I will keep on treasuring our friendship.

Again, uncle Lai, I want to thank you.
Thank you for listens to me and shoots me like noone dares to do to me.
Thank you for raises up some questions that noone will asks me.
And, I bet you notice this.
These questions are sufficient in prompting me hold my steps back and re-think or reconsider on what I did.

Yeah, I hit the point finally as you suddenly showed me an excited emotion when you heard "Am I really that self-conscious?", a question that come out from my mouth. You answered me immediately without any hesititaton (as if kena ToTo like that, sweat*) : "Yes!! Finally you hit the point! Yah! You are self-conscious, indeed, abit over tim"
Well, I admit this, and because of this stupid self-conscious, I restrict myself from doing things I so wanna to do and hold my emotions.
Yah, undeniable, being self-conscious is essence in evaluating ourselves, but being over self-conscious like ME, its just TOO MUCH and its not longer a good stuff, instead, hurting those who loves me and myself too.
I learned.

Uncle, the jokes in your company really gila-siouk.
I laugh like heck, ya, really laugh from heart.
"Could you refer me to someone who can speak English?"
Wow, this question sounds so offensive and abusive, really, especially when the one who answering the phone is indeed literate in English!! Insult insult insult!!! (gek-sam le?)
"qi dong dong dong er san dong dong wu"
Another joke happened in your department.
What the heck, now only I knew people refer the 'dong' to 'zero', (0).
LOL!!! I can't stop from laughing!! As ppl used to say - 'xiu dou look dei' (you ar, this banana, should be know what is it la)
How come? Cultural differences and the mother-tougue really cause up so much jokes huh. Geng! Diversity!

That's your joke la
But, remember the joke of emergency signal as well leh~
Guess no-one will able think as Rachel Tan here.
I dare to say, no-one will able think I created this freaky joke!!

Uncle Lai, Thank you, for everything.

水里

迷上冲凉的时刻
坐在地上
在莲蓬头下
任水从头上淋到脚趾
我知道这很浪费水源
但最近天气热得可怜
可以的话
我会选择在站在雨中
这是我唯一不需要顾虑的时候
我可以放纵的哭
任由水把我脸上的泪水冲走
在水里，
我的忧郁变得更加的浓密
在水里，
你看不见我的泪
唯有自己清楚
到底脸上的水是自来水或是泪水

我独自在大海里划着船
我并不是失去方向
我只是等待着
我知道我的目的地
我战战兢兢的划着船只
划着。。。等着。。。
我害怕我会失去中心掉进大海里
我害怕大海会将我吞噬
但，也好
至少泪水与海水都是咸的
唯一不同就是
海水没有我眼泪的苦

我渴望我是一条鱼
可以放纵的畅游整片海洋
即使失落的时候
也有大海的拥抱
大海陪我一起哭泣
也将我脸上的泪拭去
而你也不会看见哭泣的我
我会在沉默里哭泣
也会在沉默里死去
大海不会视而不见
它会让我听见海浪声
让我知道它一直陪在我身边

我睡了

别人早上７点起床

我早上７点睡觉

晚安

祝我自己有个甜梦

有他的梦境还会像昨天一样出现吗？

累了

坚持的等待

我习惯了等待
我选择等待
无论多久
我依然坚持我的决定

反复的想着
你可记得你曾说过的话
反复的听着
苏永康的《我愿等》

很多事
我没表明清楚
并不代表我不在意
只是选择用另一个方式爱你

很多话
我没说出口
并不代表我没想法
只是不想给你添加不必要的麻烦

我压抑
我挣扎
我呐喊
我无助

我爱你
牵了手就不曾想过放手
哪怕未来的路有多崎岖
这是我的坚持
这是我的决定

Dreadful Nights

I'm writting letter again.
I'm drafting again.
I'm thinking of him again.
I'm crying again.

It's 6a.m. morning.
Alone in the night, sleepless night.
Silent kills me cruelly,darn.
Nights without him, again.
Dreadful, the pain tearing my soul.
Looking for the missing piece of my heart.

Will he knows this?
I guess he doesn't knows at all.
He just seems like doesn't cares anymore.
But, still, I choose to stay.
I tried hard to make amend.
I know, it's my fault.

To Rayken

Few days ago, one of my friend requested me to write an entry about him, since I like to blog so much. Hahaha, alright. As I promised, this entry is specially for him.

Well, I want to thank you, Rayken. You really please me a lot and forgave me of what I did on you last time. I appreciate you gave me a chance to continue treasuring our friendship, even though I tend to be a bit weird compare to others.
- alright, I know, I used to weird, duh~
- nah, this is specially for you geh, happy mou? lol~

We knew each other since we are in secondary school age if I not mistaken, (old ady, memory distorted) but we never talk at that time.
Plus the rumors about me, many people had categorized me into the bad category.
But, who cares.
You reminded me of something and something I knew too, which is, people tend to remain a distance with me, to prevent fall in me.
Duh~ stupid rumors.

We bumped into each other years ago in Sushi King, Mid Valley
Awesome. I still remember the scene.
Our first interaction and communication started in MSN since that.
From conversation, you know how I view on those stupid rumors. You slightly know about my personality
Unpredictable and unreachable. As you always said: memang tak tau apa you think.
I just being myself without considering how ppl judge on me.
Judge me or not, depends on you. None of biz, as long as its doesn't bother my life.
You know I am holding a principle in my life:
"People will know me well after they interact with me. If they blindly judge me based on what they heard, I will not treasure the friendship. It's sounds so abusing in the friendship."

Sometimes you tend to use the knowledge in psychology that you learned to talk with me, but get defeated by me, the student of psychology. haha~=p
Sometimes you tend to tell me what should I do and what should not, but get defeated by my very own theories. gek sei izzit?

You always remind me not to be too tough, not to be too strong, not to be so resistance, should leave a space for those who concerns me.
You always remind me try to open my heart to others, try to accept others, try to not to be too stubborn.
But you had forgotten that, I trust everyone that I chosen, I believe in them until the day they betray me.
You had forgotten what I used to tell you, ONLY the ONE who hold the key can go into my heart and own it totally.
You had missed out the purpose I be tough, strong and resistance. I just don want ppl worry too much on me. Things that I can handle, I will do it by my own.

When I am not in mood and you dropped by, I will just replied you:
"Read my blog then you will know, I lazy to type" (my typical reply)
You are patient enough, slowly lead me to talk on my problems.
But, UNFORTUNATELY, I DETECT IT. =p
I stopped.
When I am not in mood and you dropped by, you will tell me a joke and shift my focus to other aspects for temporarily.
It's useful, Thanks.
When I am not in mood and you dropped by, you will raise up simple examples to help me simplified the problem.
When I am not in mood and stress, you will help me in viewing this from another angle.
You use your time to let me realize I need talk instead of repress.

Nothing I can say but Thank You.
Thanks for give me a hand when I need it.
Thanks for argue with me.
Thanks for leave me alone when I need it.
Thanks for joke with me.
Thanks for chat with me when I need it.
Thanks for forgive me.

Just now, you said I become 'small woman'
Knows to entertain my beloved and did everything for him.
Yeah, I changed. You notice this.

Even though you are younger than me, but sometimes, your thoughts really more mature than me, I am glad that you had grow.

Especially recently. Is it after involved in work, you become more mature? lol~

And thanks for criticizing me, helps me to realize the discrepancies between friends and myself.

I remembered I turned you down last time, and you just let me go and forgave me.

Sincerely, thanks for that, otherwise, I wont have the chance to continue treasuring our friendship.

逆向思考

若在这样下去，我会撑不了
可以做的我已经做了
该想的我都想了
不该想的我也都想了
与其在转牛角尖
倒不如逆向思考

不可以再用悲观的角度看待这事
我知道
若继续在悲观里度过
事情一定不会好到哪里去
于事无补

我选择用乐观的角度看待这事
我相信
只要乐观看待
事情必定会有另一番的进展
我希望

我会将这件事当作你外出前的第一个考验
考验彼此是否可以捱过和克服心里的痛
我知道是我的错
我不放弃
不到最后一秒 我都不放弃
“爱是前世的缘 更是今世的考验”
只要能捱过难过心痛
我相信感情会更深

男人永远会将事业放在最前头
女人则将爱情放在最前头
现在的你在为着未来烦恼
我不能再加重你的烦恼
我相信事业与感情
你是可以两者兼具
你是可以好好地handle

我要谢谢你让我懂得怎样更加的爱你和关心你
我要谢谢你让我成长
我要谢谢你让我懂得什么是爱
我要谢谢你让我知道该怎样的爱你和支持你
我要谢谢你让我知道怎样的爱是你向往的

我会继续我应该做的事
但会减少 避免让你增添烦恼
我选择做一个爱你的女人

chances

One wrong step
And you slipped away
I love you..
Can you help me stand back up again?
Can you help me put the pieces back in the place again?

No one will knows how things will go thereafter
I am repressing my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts

No one can helps me in this matter
I am forcing myself from falling into rumination

No one able made me feel so down and so eager to find a way out but you
I keep myself busy in order to occupy my leisure time

No one will knows how guilty I am now
I am a pretender in front of public as if nothing happen, happy-goes-lucky

No one will understands how the pain kills me along this period
I cry like a baby whenever I heart-ache

My mind is so full of you
Everything of you occupied my mind
I tried
But cant get rid of it

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
My mind stop at the cause of this coldness
I keep on looking back in my head
Right back to the start

I'm heart-ache
Fragile heart
Questions keep on spinning in my mind
I am not stubborn
But I believe my instinct feelings

I am sorry that I let you fall
You got hurt so bad
I know the scar will remain there for lifelong
And it shall serves as a painful reminder for me
Could I have the chance to heal it for you?

I learned to weigh a thing before saying a thing
I promise will never let you fall
I will stand up with you forever
I will be there for you through it all

Please don't throw that away
Please don't give up just like this
Because I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
Please tell me that you will stay
Because I never think of the end

陈大小姐

168 小时
很漫长的一星期
陈大小姐想了很多
好的 不好的 乐观的 悲观的

她已经习惯将心里的感受用字笔记录下来
她已经习惯拿着电话按着自己当下的情绪
她已经习惯每每进入房间里总是启动手提电脑
将当天的思绪写进自己的网上日记
纪录似乎成了她的爱好
网上日记似乎已成了她的好朋友

陈大小姐不喜欢与每个人分享她的心事
除非她真得没辙
除非她真得相信那个人
除非她真得很渴望有个人可以帮助她
此时此刻的她
除了将事情的来龙去脉简短的向自己相信的人倾诉
除了将自己当下的思绪记录下来
除了深深的自责
除了等待奇迹会发生
她就是抱着那只长臂猿
傻傻的望着它
泪也不自禁得流下